Want to learn the proper way of raising kids? Watch The Dog Whisperer.

And before you start howling, I’d like you to know that I have three girls - a topnotch graphics designer, a rising retail executive and an eighth grader who watches House because she wants to be a surgeon. Not bad for humans who have been raised like dogs.

I’ve also got Miku, a black year-old Labrador on which I lavish so much care and affection my girls wish I’d treat them the same way. I’d whine when my girls would ask me to get sanitary napkins (the ones with 'wings', about which I’ve always been afraid to ask why). I would, however, happily lug a 50-pound sack of dog food from the pet store. I’d yell at my girls for leaving their bedrooms a mess. I would, however, dutifully scoop up my dog’s poo as I walk her around the neighbourhood and make sure that her living area in the garage is as aseptic as an operating room.

But in more ways than one, I have raised my girls like I am now looking after my dog. And I’d give a shout-out to 'dog whisperer' Cesar Millan. The dog-care nuggets he shares in his show on the NatGeo channel are, I’ve found, good enough also for raising kids. Here are some of them:

1. A dog is not like you. So treat it like one. Don’t share your diet with it because, for one thing, the stuff you consume may be bad for it. A dog will be fine eating pellets while you gorge yourself on crispy pata (deep-fried pork leg). Its problem is - which you may also consider - that with your carnivorous diet, it may outlive you. You may want to take a look at what’s in those dog foods because they might in fact be good for you. But I digress.

In the same manner, don’t treat your child like an equal, because he or she isn’t. In a parent-child relationship, one has to be the adult. In the same way that you have to train the dog not to pee on the carpet, you are supposed to teach your child about at least such rudiments of life as the birds and the bees, masturbation and menstruation, etc. Yep, the adult stuff.

2. A dog is a man’s best friend. But only if it does what you want it to do. The problem here is many parents want to be their children’s 'friends'. Friends, if I may remind my fellow parents, are for sneaking out to smoke weed, get soused or watch porn. We parents are the guys who are supposed to catch them, ground them and take away their driver’s licenses.

3. The dog should know you’re the 'pack leader'. According to Señor Millan, you must make your dog know that whatever you say goes. You can’t let it get away with doing anything bad, like chewing on your Bottega bag or taking over the couch, leaving you on the floor to watch the Lakers game. You can teach a dog to keep out of your stuff, and it’s best to teach it while it’s still a puppy.

Same with kids. In our effort to mould them young, we send them to the best schools we can afford, hoping they’d learn more than what we did during our time. Problem is we think that because they are learning more stuff than we did at their age, they’re smarter than us. We’re afraid to engage them in any meaningful conversation because we’re afraid they’d make us look like morons.

My girls stopped asking me for help with homework after Grade One after mutually realising that my math was limited to computing the bills. Well, we may not be able to help them with trigonometry, but they should know who is paying their tuition.

4. A dog has needs different from humans. Whenever my girls and I go out of town for a few days, we bring Miku to a posh pet resort complete with a concierge and grooming salons. Actually we could bring her to a more-modest B&B sort of lodging facilities in neighbourhood vet. But no, kawawa naman siya. (its pitiful)

In fact the dog couldn’t care less. What it needs is its time in the yard to take a dump, a scratch behind the ear, and a nibble of jerky if it does something you ask of it.

Same with kids. They don’t care about Armani or Choo (though they’ll not let you a moment’s rest until you promise to get them the latest Jordans). They, however, need an open mind to explain why things don’t turn out the way they want to, a gentle mouth from which would flow words of understanding, if not encouragement, and a forbearing ear that would listen to why Lauren talks weird, what they did to Narciso’s pet frog, etc.

5. A dog can sense fear. And it’s fear not so much of getting physically attacked as not showing or giving enough love, and getting some of it back in return. And when it does, you’re putty.

My girls and Miku - they all got 'The Look'. Their faces turn somber, almost sad, their heads tilted five degrees either way, the corners of their lips southward, and their eyes expectant and almost teary.. Man, it’s the eyes, which always get me. When they turn it on, all sorts of alarm go off in my body. My heart starts to race and my brain as it turns to mush tells me to go into a fetal position.

But too late. Miku would clamber on my lap, all 90 pounds of her, while I scratch her tummy. That’s not so bad; I don’t have to dig out my wallet. But my girls, every time they give me 'The Look', I know it’s going to cost.

Resisting the look used to be like a Sisyphean effort, but I’m getting better at resisting it. Now I yield just 97 per cent of the time.

6. Don’t argue with the dog. If it does not stop barking, spray its face with water. If you think you’re losing your argument with your kids, tell them go clean up the gunk under their beds. That should shut them up.

At the end of the day, it’s all about respect. As pack leaders, our chief obligation is to show the way, and we can only do that by taking the time to know who our children are, understanding their needs, cheering them on, explaining their frustrations, respecting their intelligence and not imposing our biases and prejudices on them, and of course offering our shoulders to lean on.

There’s nobody else on this planet who could do these things for our children. If we don’t, you can be sure things are going to come around, and for lack of a better canine metaphor - bite us in the ass - some time in the future.

Asia News Network