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Sat, Jan 03, 2009
The Star
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Fashion's biggest blunders

2008 wasn't just a year when the stock markets took a nose-dive. Thanks to a lack of sensibility on the runways, it also became the year when our fashion quotient did just the same.

A seismic rumble shook the world’s catwalks in 2008 as space-aged suits and strange shapes made their appearance.

"I think I'm going to need a few drinks after this," a friend of mine whispered incredulously at one of the year's most anticipated fashion shows several months ago. “Like, what in God's name are these designers thinking? Or are they even thinking at all? Who will actually wear those?"

She wasn't the only one who thought that, of course. All around us were the blank faces of the audience looking as unconvinced as we were. The less merciful among us, however, could not resist a sneer or two, especially when the hammer pants came into full view.

At this point, my friend screeched in my ear. I knew what she was thinking: that Bozo the Clown or MC Hammer cannot be a fashion icon, no matter what Karl Lagerfeld or Marc Jacobs or countless other fashion publications say.

Interestingly enough, my friend was wrong about people not wanting to wear these crazy creations. Case in point: the lady I saw at the shopping mall a few weeks ago. Yes, you with the bright red hammer pants and boho top. The image of you still haunts me today!

Hey, I'm all for individuality, but not when it makes you look delusional enough to scare people away.

At the risk of inspiring ire, here’s a list of all that' wrong in 2008. To be fair, there are a few saving graces – maxi dresses, Victorian blouses, layered bangles – but these are few, far between, and not quite enough to keep the fashionistas from hiding under their bed covers, longing for the year to end.

Now that it finally has, here’s hoping that these mistakes will go down in history as fashion's more frivolous moments. Maybe, they'll be able to grace the hallways of London's Fashion Museum one day, adorning walls and dummies instead of humans.

Deck-The-Heels

Extreme architectural designs work only on buildings, and not on shoes, silly. That's why over-embellished high heels get our top vote for "tragic trends", because that’s what will happen if you lose your balance on these babies.

Sure, the ones from YSL and Giuseppe Zanotti look astoundingly good, but don't expect to stride like a supermodel in them, let alone walk. Note: teetering around clumsily does not count as walking.

Body wreckers

These aren't exactly new, but the last time I saw a body suit was probably in a magazine dating back to the 80s. Surprisingly, it's designed by the ever-so-sensible Donna Karan, who's probably watched Olivia Newton-John's Let Get Physical on MTV one too many times.

Today, we see more pimped-out version of these outfits, from see-through lacy ones in TopShop to unforgiving lycra (to emphasize that muffin top) in Forever21. People, there's a reason this trend only resurfaced after a good 20 years. It’s because we forgot how ghastly it looks!

Stiffly-sculpted metallic blouses. Skirts festooned with glasses and feathers. Dresses with built-in technology (Take the M-Dress, a silk garment that doubles up as a mobile phone, for instance. It stops ringing when you raise your hand to your head to answer the call!).

If looking like Queen Amidala (or a robot) is your thing, then, knock yourself out. But approach with caution: these outfits aren't only extremely strange and uncomfortable, they don't really flatter anyone, including the models wearing them.

Welcome to the dark side

As much as the financial turmoil makes you want to scream and punch things, you don’t actually do it. Judging from how "emo" fashion has gotten lately, however, high-fashion designers don't seem to share this sentiment.

Black bobs? Check. Black lipstick? Check. Skulls and crossbones? Check, check. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to think that weepy goth kids are now regarded as sex symbols. Please excuse me while I go shoot myself.

Sloppiness redefined

If there's one thing the designers should learn by now, it's that bigger does not necessarily mean better. This year saw styles of olympian proportions, from oversized menswear to extreme add-ons, such as giant cuffs and enormous buttons.

Don't expect to wear it though, because it'll end up wearing you. Petite ladies will only suffocate under all that detail and fabric, while bigger dames will look even bigger. It is the Godzilla of fashion, after all.

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