updated 6 Feb 2012, 07:43
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Tue, Dec 20, 2011
Philippine Daily Inquirer/Asia News Network
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How can I help my wife move on and forget my cheating?

Dear Emily,

I am 50 years old and I am guilty of having cheated on my wife. My problem now is how to help her to move on and forget the past. She said she has forgiven me, but has she forgotten? She told me that no matter how hard she tries there are events in our daily life that keep on reminding her and keeping her memory of my cheating alive.

Even reading everyday newspapers reminds her of my betrayal; much more seeing me everyday. She even tried to take her life to get rid of the memory, and wishes she could have amnesia just to forget the past.

I got hurt when she told me that her reason for staying in the relationship is the children. When I got sick, she took care of me but with a cold shoulder. I don't feel any love from her. She's doing it not as my wife, but as a good Christian helping someone in need of help.

I am deeply hurt-she's no longer the loving wife I used to know. How can I help my wife move on and forget? How can I bring back her trust? Can't she really forget?


What was it that Mahatma Gandhi said about guilt - "that the human voice can never reach the distance that is covered by the still small voice of conscience…?" And you're asking how you can help your wife forget your betrayal of her? You mean-besides you dying?

You didn't clarify when exactly this betrayal took place. If it only happened recently and there hasn't been time enough to wash away the pain, it's par for the course to have this lingering hurt in her gut, besides being solidly etched at the back of her mind. This, you concluded, is even aided by daily newspaper accounts of betrayals.

And why, pray tell, should you feel hurt by what you perceive as her coldness to you during your illness, when she already consented to nurse you back to health? Did you expect kisses and hugs from her? Why didn't you ask for hospital confinement then?

You have some gall to expect warmth when she could have stuck a knife in your heart when you cheated on her! She could probably have even gone scot-free citing that legal loophole called "crime of passion!" Shouldn't you instead be thanking the heavens for her valuable "good Christian" virtue?

Don't hurl that guilt you're drenched in at your suffering wife-and inflict a new round of blame-game on her. Be the grateful husband for a change and appreciate the acts of kindness she is laying down at your feet, however "coldly," as you put it. She is doing her darndest to recover from the pain you've inflicted on her. She is most likely still tottering-bravely taking one little step at a time-to get on the road to normalcy.

You want change? Then start the change yourself! Allow her enough room to maneuver and fully believe that you've really changed back to that fellow she fell in love with centuries ago.

Be man enough to suffer a while! You've been the creep-and that takes a lifetime to forget.

readers' comments
they already divorced....

Posted by jameslee58 on Mon, 16 Jan 2012 at 20:34 PM

The wife should have kicked him hard where it hurts and permanently injure him for betraying her. The mistress was wise to leave this bas*tard. He cant ever be trusted.
Posted by *snoopy* on Sun, 15 Jan 2012 at 23:43 PM
i had heard of a case, where husband fell in love with other woman, had an affair, but the 3rd party decided to stop it, so husband hurt, wife found out cannot forgive him, although affair already stop, the trust is broken, husband still missed old flame.
Posted by jameslee58 on Fri, 30 Dec 2011 at 10:59 AM
"Move on" is a selfish coverup for "shut up and don't bring it up again".

You just want her to shut up and for the dust to settle before starting your romance again. If the marriage is so unbearable, just divorce and let your wife be happy to find a better man than you.

By the way, you should be very grateful to your wife for sticking with you in your sickness because she's keeping her end of the vows to cherish and love you in sickness and in health while you on the other hand, chose not to honour and respect her when you cheated on her.

Funny that 2 of my friends got real sick (1 with colorectal cancer and 1 with
stroke) a few years after their affairs with women were exposed. I .....
Posted by teamybee on Fri, 30 Dec 2011 at 10:14 AM
I sympathize with the wife for not only having such a louse for a husband but also that he is still obviously not repentant at all.

The wife better divorce this man and free herself from this unfair situation. She doesn't deserve to be ill treated like this.
Posted by NoUpsize on Wed, 28 Dec 2011 at 19:15 PM

I think he is merely trying to collect support from the male chauvinist here to show his wife that he has support in asking her to forgive him. Therefore, I would advise the people not to sympathize with him and in so doing, unintenionally give him a reason continue cheating his wife...
Posted by kooldog59 on Tue, 27 Dec 2011 at 23:03 PM

Some tends to get too personal. Chill :)
Posted by mystrawberry on Tue, 27 Dec 2011 at 22:35 PM

I don't think you should be too concerned about my personal and private being. If I were to tell you the truth about me, you will be pleasantly shocked.
Just stick to commenting on the subject matter - not me. Is this clear to you -as this is the 2nd time I have to remind you of this ? I do not have patience for the 3rd time upon which I will retaliate. Careful.
Posted by realtest on Tue, 27 Dec 2011 at 22:28 PM
If you need to ask this question, it shows that you really aren't sincere in ypur repentence and your love for the wife you cheated.

You just have to be patient with her and time will heal hastened by your sincerity. No threats to her or pressurising her to forgive.
Posted by TypicalSGgal on Tue, 27 Dec 2011 at 18:47 PM
Thanks kooldog.

Realtest, you don't seem to be a person anyone can depend on for anything. How sad.

"Why add the words forsaking all others knowing that man cannot do it without suffering? "

This "suffering" as you yourself termed it is called duty and responsibility to the wife.
Posted by kopikid on Mon, 26 Dec 2011 at 09:22 AM

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