DEAR THELMA

LATE last year, my husband found an old teenage crush on Facebook. My children and I saw her too and we all joked about it. But what happened after that was a form of betrayal that was very hurtful.

My husband actually got in touch with her and they starting communicating via phone calls and SMS-es. This went on for over two months without my knowledge.

I then found, unintentionally, an SMS message (with terms of endearment) on his handphone. That led to fights, tears and heartache on my part. The SMS-es continued every day, even when he was at home with me and the kids. I was baffled as I've always trusted my husband.

He maintained that he was just catching up with his "good friend", whom he had not spoken to since they were teenagers. I was not convinced and even confronted the other party on the phone. She also reassured me that they had only spoken to and messaged each other and had not met.

Because I was so unhappy about the whole episode, they then stopped all forms of communication. After many fights and long talks, my husband and I both agreed that we were taking each other for granted and communication was breaking down between us.

He has since changed his job and his exercise schedule so that we can go to church together, and spend quality time with the children, together. He calls or texts me every day and even drove 35km to my office to send me a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day.

I appreciate his efforts to regain my trust and "woo" me all over again, but sometimes I will think about the whole episode and break down again.

This cycle is very trying for my husband and our daughter, who is in secondary school. She was in the middle of all the fights and is very affected by the whole thing. I wonder if the pain will ever go away as it is also hurting my family.

Betrayed Spouse

ALTHOUGH your husband has been in contact with this friend and they have been using terms of endearment for each other, you have no evidence that he has cheated on you.

He has told you as much, and so has the friend. You have interpreted his doing this in secret - while he has been at home with you and your family - as a betrayal of your trust in him.

From the information you have provided, he seems to be earnest in gaining your trust again. He has stopped being in touch with this friend. He has even changed aspects of his life.

He is paying attention to you and your family. And, he has thrown some romance in as well. To someone from the outside, it looks like he is sincere in his efforts.

Do you now have reason to doubt his intentions? If not, all that can be said here is that you probably need time to let go of the memories of his past actions.

You probably will not forget them, but that does not mean you have to let them haunt you.

Over time, the meaning of past events will change and you will be able to look back upon that differently. In the meantime, you would have to learn to trust him again and focus on what he is doing now and where your relationship is going.

Try and provide reassurance to your daughter and remind her that you both love her and you want the best for her.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. E-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.