updated 6 Jul 2012, 12:17
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Sun, Jun 03, 2012
The Star/Asia News Network
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The girl I like has a new man in her life

SEVEN years ago, I called off my engagement to my then-fiancee, who subsequently, unintentionally, mothered my child. Since then I've been living like a single parent, although we're not legally married and I don't have legal custody of my child.

I continued to meet other girls but the relationships never really took off as I hesitate to take the next step to commitment. Last year, one of the girls told me she was seeing someone else and another said she was getting married.

I know I cannot expect them to hang around forever, but as I felt gutted deep down, I made advances towards a colleague, F, to find relief.

We started seeing each other but F, who is single, was casually meeting other guys as well. Now after half a year, I've come to a stage where I want to see her every day.

Our friendship is kind of special - she feels comfortable sharing her darkest secrets with me. But I worried that she might not be able to accept my past baggage. I've developed feelings for her, but I feel she doesn't quite have the same level of attraction towards me.

Because of this I turned into an ugly monster and told myself to back out, so as not to have to deal with rejection. This negative vibe caught on with F and she finally called it quits on Valentine's Day. She told me I had a chance, but she could not go on with such a negative person.

We continued seeing each other occasionally as friends, although I still had feelings for her. Then I decided to tell her my past secret to clear the air. But on the day I asked her to lunch to do that, she told me she had started seeing someone. My heart sank but I kept my composure.

F shared details of her new relationship, including the painful intimate parts. Then I told her my secret - it turned out she was okay with it. She said she now understands why I acted the way I did.

We met up again the next day and talked about my past and the issues she has with her new guy. The more she talked the more I felt he's not right for her.

I now have to make a decision: walk away forever from F because I don't know much more jealous hurt I can take, or take a chance and try to win her back?

F has made it quite clear on a few occasions that I'm not the guy for her. But I feel I fare better than this new guy in terms of career and wealth and possibly physical attributes. She says time is catching up on her and she can't be choosy, but does she realise what she has in front of her? I'm totally at a loss over what to do next.

Guilty C

DO you want to be with her to stop your jealousy, or do you want to be with her because you think she is the one you want to be with? This distinction is very important because your answer relates to the path your life will take after this.

If you are more concerned about dealing with your jealousy, you may lose interest in a future with her when you have "won" her. If this is the case, then she is going to be hurt if she chooses to come with you. Should she choose to remain in her current relationship, you are going to continue in your cycle of despondence thinking that there goes one more girl who has hurt you.

If you really think that she is the one for you, then her decision to leave her current boyfriend - if she does so - will be well worth it for the two of you. Remember it's not just your feelings that are involved here, but that of two other people as well.

You keep saying you feel that she is not reciprocating how you feel about her, or that she is not happy with the guy she is with. But do you really know?

The only way to know is by telling or asking her. You don't seem to have done either. You seem to be acting on assumptions, and as you can see from what has happened this hasn't worked very well for you.

Human beings (quite unfortunately) are not mind readers. The only way you are going to know anything is by communicating. There should also be a healthy dose of honesty here. Remember how anxious you were when you speculated about how she would react to your past, and the relief you felt when you finally told her and found that she was all right with it?

Not all your conversations are going to be this easy, but it will be infinitely easier than keeping things to yourself and trying to assume what the other is thinking or plans to do.

Talk to her - about what you want, your anxieties, your fears and your hopes. But don't expect her to say yes to you. As much as you are reeling from the effects of your past relationships, she is also smarting from the way you behaved with her in the past. Just be honest.

It is evident from your letter that some bad relationship experiences you've had are really affecting you, or, at least your willingness to commit. It may do you well to address these issues. Counselling or therapy will help you learn to develop and communicate in a relationship.

readers' comments

This is sad, felt sorry for the lad. :(
Posted by Los Liberatos on Mon, 4 Jun 2012 at 18:24 PM
All I learnt from life is .... never use logic and rationale thinking when trying to guess what's in a woman's mind .... at his age, he should know better that there no way to convince her that he's better when she had already decided to pick that guy instead of him ... the woman's only reason for him to live with is ~ "she likes that guy" ... :D :D :D
Posted by Small Fly on Mon, 4 Jun 2012 at 18:22 PM
Ole fart,

Maybe is magic. : )
Posted by goondoon on Mon, 4 Jun 2012 at 16:33 PM
Don't panic. I will not cite reasons like I work there or I know the moderator. As though I cared. You can try asking them if the curiosity is killing you. Worst come to worst, ask your God.
Posted by mystrawberry on Mon, 4 Jun 2012 at 16:29 PM

How come you can comment before Diva team can even start the thread huh?
Posted by smickno on Mon, 4 Jun 2012 at 15:34 PM
Can never understand how a relationship will work (at all) if both parties are so confused. My bet is this guy is 45 years old and an unwanted puppy. Goodness, so childish.
Posted by mystrawberry on Mon, 4 Jun 2012 at 15:17 PM

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