When a new baby joins our family we are filled with excitement about the possibilities that lie ahead for this fresh new life. The choices are endless, the future is bright, but how realistic are our expectations?

Parents often have set expectations for their children. It is very important for us to be aware of what these expectations are and constantly check that they are realistic given the child we have been blessed with.

Every child is unique. Each comes with their very own personality and temperament.

To understand if your expectations are realistic you must ask who is this child?

By understanding their stage of development and temperament your child will be able to meet expectations set and in turn gain a sense of success.

There are nine temperament traits and by understanding what temperament your child has you can help them face challenges and feel valued for who they are.

Activity: Is your child always on the go, or is she relaxed and enjoys taking her own sweet time?

Rhythmicity: Is your child regular in his eating and sleeping patterns OR somewhat haphazard?

Sociable: Does your child enjoy meeting new people and going to new places or does she tend to shy away from new people or experiences?

Adaptability: Can your child adjust easily to changes in routines or does he resist transitions?

Intensity: Does she become excited by new situations, OR does she react calmly and quietly?

Mood: Is your child generally sunny natured or is she slow to warm up? Does his mood shift frequently or is he usually even-tempered?

Persistence and attention span: Does your child stick with an activity until completed or is she easily distracted and happy to give up if a task seems challenging?

Distractibility: Is it easy for your child to block out distractions and remain focused on a task or can external stimuli make it hard for him to concentrate?

Sensory threshold: Is she sometimes bothered by loud noises, bright lights, food textures, or the feeling of fabric or labels in clothing?

By respecting their personality and encouraging them to discover their talents you can work together to set challenges they will enjoy and goals that are achievable.

Children will quickly understand the difference between savouring success and the shame that comes from failure.

This is true of even very young children. When we set expectations that are unrealistic given our child’s ability, temperament and personality we are leading them to a failure cycle which can be difficult to break as they will almost always become less likely to enjoy challenges and to work towards goals.

They will develop avoidance skills so that they are not in a position that may lead to yet more failure. However a child who attempts to avoid all new challenges will also not enjoy successes.

It is important that your child understands what you do expect of him or her.

If we don’t clearly communicate what we would like to see achieved then often a child has no idea what you expect. Children will go to many lengths to impress and please the adults who are important in their lives, parents, grandparents and teachers. Parental expectation has been identified as being a predictor of a child’s achievement.

We all want our child to develop a strong and healthy self-esteem. How can we do this?

A child’s self-esteem often depends on how they feel they measure up to what people expect of them.

Self-esteem is the thoughts, feelings and ideas a person has about him or herself. A strong self-esteem is vital for a successful and happy life.

Even when you don’t say anything if you feel your child has fallen short of what you wanted to see him or her achieve they can be very intuitive and internalise your disappointment as their failure. This can have a negative impact on their development of positive self-esteem.

Run a check on your expectations.

Ask what is really important? A child being enthusiastic about learning and willing to try new experiences will gain much more from their education, and life in general, than a child who is afraid to be wrong or fail.

It is important to challenge our children and help them achieve more than they thought possible. We can best do this by getting to know our children, celebrating their strengths and respecting their personality.

If we achieve that then their future really is bright.

This article was contributed by Fiona Walker, Principal Director of Julia Gabriel Centre for Learning & Chiltern House.