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Diva
updated 14 Jan 2010, 09:04
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Thu, Jan 14, 2010
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What Asian men can do to make marriage work

ONE in three marriages breaks up in our country and the problem seems set to deteriorate further.

Many of my friends have thrown in the towel and are on their own now, wallowing in the aftermath of their marital woes.

I’ve been told that keeping a marriage going is like running a marathon: You have to put in a lot of effort to maintain the relationship and, just like in a marathon, many feel like giving up once it gets too tiring and painful to carry on.

Of course, I also have friends who have perfect marriages.

These couples respect each other’s views and rarely quarrel despite their differences.

After reading many self-help books on marriage, I realised mthat very few of such books examine the topic from an Asian perspective, even though there are obvious differences between Western and Asian couples.

For example, Asian men tend to keep their marital problems to themselves, in contrast to their Western counterparts.

This is why many Asian husbands fail to seek counselling when their marriages start breaking apart.
 
Men, when given a choice, would not want to disclose their problems to a stranger.

They find it humiliating to do so and some would rather end the marriage than seek help to save it.

Despite being married for 16 years, I still constantly look for ways to enhance my marriage. I accept that mine is not a perfect marriage and can never be.

In my case, I had a difficult time accepting the changes my wife wrought five years into our marriage. She became ambitious and career minded – very different from the easy-going woman I knew before our marriage.

It took me many years to finally accept that she is, in fact, more intelligent and capable than me. That’s quite a blow to the male ego, and a bitter pill indeed for many Asian husbands to swallow!

Couples can build stronger bonds only when they do things that they both enjoy.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done, and young couples have an especially hard time as they are sandwiched between the twin obligations of looking after ageing parents and caring for their own kids.

Unlike Westerners, we Asians are taught from young not to argue with our parents, and this has harmed our ability to communicate openly with our loved ones.

Too often, couples put up with a lot of misgivings before they start talking with one another, by which time, it’s usually too late to save the marriage.

So, it is not surprising that young people are beginning to view marriage with disdain and to put it off indefinitely.

My wife and I have survived many rough patches in our marriage.

Career changes and children have driven deep wedges
into our relationship. But we’ve worked through the problems and, so far, we are moving along just fine.

I hope my experience will serve to remind others that it takes two hands to clap. No marriage is perfect but, with hard work, it can always work. -Mr Gilbert Goh


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readers' comments


The openning remark and the title does not gel...first you claim that you have to put in a lot of effrt to maintain a marriage then you go off and ask only about what the men can do?...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALONE!

Marriage is about 2 people who made a commitment to be one, sharing the good, the bad and the ugly...What a Asian man have to do make sure, is that his pride do not override his commitment to his wife. This is true, especially in Asia, where historically, women always played the supporting role and not seen as equals. However, with the rise of equality of sex, mainly percieved as an influence from the west, some women push their luck too far and think that a man should have no pride...then the time bomb is set...
Posted by kooldog59 on Tue, 18 Aug 2009 at 20:00 PM
Asian men are more conservative generally, girls love attention or praise .... it will be good to be more expressive .... U will be surprised that little words of praise and appreciation or little acts of flower gift, etc .... will mean a lot to your wife ....
Posted by harlym on Tue, 18 Aug 2009 at 19:22 PM
action speaks louder than words... then again some girls are suckers for sweet nothings.. u heard me.. nothings..
Posted by Magenta on Tue, 18 Aug 2009 at 16:18 PM
He is working on the basis that communication will help save a marriage.
If that is his basis, then he must understand western culture & realise that most westerners talk **** most times. They are insincere in their talks and talks more to please the listeners - unlike E.Asians who prize their words.

"I love u"
- U have to read deeply between the single line. What love - sibling's love, love between friends, etc ?
- Love what - your body or some other parts of the anatomy or your heart or .... ?
- Love how long ? 3 months or until he is sexually satisfied ?

Ask sigmundrincneck about the angmos, please !! Hahaha !!!

If we adopt western style of communication, we will soon lose our creditability and our wives will also .....
Posted by Ssquirrel on Tue, 18 Aug 2009 at 14:40 PM
Yeah, we need another piece of "the West is always better" article to motivate us, so our divorce rate and financial collapse can match theirs.
Posted by laukinkon on Tue, 18 Aug 2009 at 14:30 PM
Marriage is often like running a marathon, you have to put in a lot of effort to maintain the relationship.
View the article here.
Posted by A1Team on Mon, 17 Aug 2009 at 23:23 PM

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