MUMMY! Jack hit me!” yells your five-year-old daughter. Your son shouts back: “No! I did not do anything to her. She is always lying.” Many parents have to deal with tattling among siblings. It takes a toll on worn-out parents when the whining and tattling get too much.

We want our children to speak up when they are hurt or in trouble. But we hardly encourage them to do so. We often respond to them with mixed messages such as: “Stop telling lies about your brother.” Or “Please stop all this bad talk at once! I don’t want to listen anymore.”

We want to teach children to know the difference between tattling and helpful reporting. If your child knows someone is in trouble and helps to tell an adult about it, that is helpful reporting. But if you tell on someone to get him in trouble, then that is tattling.

Parents have to teach children how to report clearly to protect them from those who want to hurt them. It is known that dangerous characters would tell children that nobody would believe them or they have to keep it a secret.

Children in the early years have difficulty sorting out what is right and wrong. It is up to parents to keep sharing with them ideas on doing the right thing. They need to know that certain words they use will hurt other people’s feelings. They must also learn how to tell so that people will believe them.

Sometimes they act impulsively to tattle on a friend or a sibling. In doing so, they get the attention they want or get the other person in trouble. Young children can be confused by what others do to them. They tell an adult using the wrong choice of words that will make matters worse.

One eight-year-old told her mother that a prefect in school scolds her all the time. Her mother probed further and found out that this prefect was telling her not to make friends with certain girls in class.

We want children to tell if they need help or if someone is in need of help. For example, a primary school child tells her friend that her uncle is touching her inappropriately. This young friend must know how to tell her parent or teacher instead of keeping mum.

Parents and teachers can teach children how to use certain words that will get them the appropriate attention. Siblings usually tell on one another to seek favour from parents. You do not want to punish the other child unfairly or reinforce the tattling behaviour.

Preschoolers and early primary school age children know certain rules and they may not like it when others do not follow these rules. A primary school teacher who taught Year One pupils, once told me that a student handed her a ruler and reminded her that she had set the rule that anyone who talked in class would be punished.

Listen carefully to what your child tells you. Do not brush her off by saying, “I don’t want you to tell on your brother.”

This can make your child feel slighted and ridiculed. Sometimes all you need to do is to listen; do not get roped into sibling fights.

If you want to do something, you can respond to “John took my colour pencils without asking for permission,” by teaching your child how to clearly state her feelings and opinion to her sibling.

Teach her to use words that will empower her to get things done properly. Together you can work out ideas on what she should do next. Turn-taking, sharing, negotiating or exchanging may be possible solutions for your child to solve the problem by herself.

Teach your child how to use appropriate words. Let her know that she can approach the person directly. “You are angry with your brother. Let him know this. Tell him that you don’t like it when he takes your things without asking you first.”

Parents can set the right example for their children by using “feeling” words in their messages. You can say: “I’m very happy that you told me how you feel instead of lashing out in anger.”

Children learn from parents how to use “feeling” words appropriately and understand their own feelings better.

For children to have self-confidence and respect for others, they need to be equipped with the knowledge and skill to act and speak appropriately. -The Star/ANN