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updated 23 Jan 2010, 12:37
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Sat, Jan 23, 2010
The Star/Asia News Network
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Wife lacks sex drive, hubby gets 'close' to his female nursing students

Q: MY husband and I are nearing 50. We've been married for 20 years and have two school-going children.

Most of the students at his private college are female nursing students and one of his job functions is to manage their discipline. On three separate occasions, I have come across intimate SMSes that he had received from or sent to another female.

The first, sent "accidentally" to my mobile, had terms of endearment in another language. He said it was meant for me; I did not believe him.

Since then, I've been suspicious as he's always texting messages at night. One day, I checked his phone and came across another intimate SMS.

When confronted, he said the student was a special person with some mental problems, hence he had to tackle her using loving messages. I lost my temper and told him that he should not be emotionally involved with his students. He promised not to get too close to them.

Recently, I came across another SMS that said, "I miss you and feel like hugging and kissing you." I was devastated.

This time, he said he had to use this "tactic" to persuade the girl to be an informer, to report any incidents concerning the other students. He swore that he had never put his words into action and promised that it would not happen again.

I told him an affair is an affair, whether physical or implied, and the fact that he could even think of sending intimate messages to other females was unforgivable.

I asked him if he found anything lacking in our marriage as we had not been intimate for some time now. He said no.

Could my weaknesses or faults have driven him to this behaviour? Perhaps our lack of intimacy led him to "have fun" outside.

I wish to correct that but, being pre-menopausal, I just lack the sexual drive. After work and on weekends, I’m tired because of the housework. I have been a dutiful wife and treated him with love and respect.

Now I have lost all trust and respect for him. I have considered divorce – I'm financially independent – but the impact on the children and our families will be devastating.

The only saving grace is he is still a good father to the children. How can I live the rest of my life with a cheating husband?

Unforgivable

A: YOUR husband is guilty of betraying your love and trust, and taking advantage of young students whom he should discipline. Shame on him for seducing girls who are vulnerable to a man’s attention.

It’s worse that he is abusing his position of authority to prey on those who place their trust in him. You are right; even if he were not having sexual affairs, he was happily playing the Casanova even after being found out.

Do not find excuses for him or blame yourself. If your husband were more sensitive to your biological changes, he should be there to support you through this phase of your life. Instead, he indulges in his fantasies at the expense of your love and marriage. Perhaps he actually believed that it was harmless fun as long as he didn’t sleep with the girls. He probably enjoyed having his ego stroked by admiring and gullible females who found him charming at his age.

Such men are fools. Threaten him with divorce so that he wakes up to the reality of consequences. Let him be aware of how much he stands to lose if he chooses to continue his flirty seductions.

How does he expect his children to love and respect him as before if they learn the truth? Would he want to be labelled a dirty old man? He stands to lose his job, too, should anyone lodge a complaint about those intimate sick SMSes.

From the start, he had tried to lie his way out of trouble. He never really blamed you for not being sexually active although he succumbed to nubile temptations.

It is hard to forgive and forget his behaviour, but if you still care for him, give him another chance. But make sure that he knows that should he stray again, you will not hesitate to kick him out.

Every marriage comes under threat when the man starts to feel his age and gets insecure. It does not help that you’re not up to sex and passion as you enter menopause. So think of ways to keep your man happy and contented. Share time together, plan holidays and do not be embarrassed about being demonstrative.

He needs to know that you still find him sexy and attractive. But never take on the entire burden of keeping the marriage together. He needs to do his part to make you feel loved and cherished too.

readers' comments
What bullshet. you were clearly not fufilling your husbands needs nor were you willing to try/ accomodate. excuses excuses. Why? can't cut back on the hours? or were you really needed to save the world? any man will be more than willing to help out around the house if that meant more quality time. you just took your preferred way out and placed yourself above his needs. Well you know what, it cuts both ways.

Just because its not a written expectation of marriage doesn't gives you an opportuned excuse to easily remove yourself from the responsibility.
Posted by james12375 on Wed, 23 Dec 2009 at 12:40 PM
it is time for men to get real

do you really think women will ever be as highly sexed as men?

come come...if that is the case, they will hide in the toilets everynite and not want to go to bed after a few days

be careful what you wish for ...if your wives were to be horny like a cat as you think you want them to be... you would be worried sick and would insist she wears a chastity belt

stop giving excuses to be unfaithful....get a hold of your lust

if you need more sex....be more loving....your partner will respond to you.
Posted by frasier88 on Fri, 18 Dec 2009 at 20:29 PM
Some men just lost their VALUES when they see SYT (sweet young thing) very disappointed in this society where materials, services are easily accessible.. The best part is, they will never admit it.. Do it because of "FLATTERY" "LONELY".. so what, you think only happen to men, dont let us turn the table around..Husband lacks sex drive, wife gets 'close' to....
Posted by DINOTAIL on Fri, 18 Dec 2009 at 19:35 PM
This article must be a hoax.. how can a student has access to his wife Telephone number? "accidentally" to my mobile"
Posted by sureerat_tang on Fri, 18 Dec 2009 at 18:37 PM
The Way I See It:


Why do you have this type of husband? :D
Posted by ILostMyBall on Fri, 18 Dec 2009 at 17:44 PM
As children, we would want our parents to be happy too. I also come from a broken family. It is a selfish thought for children to hope parents remain together just for the sake of us. Just as one day, we will choose to marry the person we love and seek happiness together. We would want our parents blessings.

There is absolutely no way the writer can correct her husband. He is a thinking adult. Maybe, he is really only fooling around and not realizing the seriousness of his infidelity. And, maybe, with the writer wanting divorce, will he finally wake up. The ball is on his court to try to keep the marriage and regain the trust of his heart broken and betrayed wife.

Coming from guys' perspective. Its extremely flattery to be still attractive to young babes. Not every guy can cope .....
Posted by MiloOnTheRocks on Fri, 18 Dec 2009 at 15:36 PM
If you really love him... You would correct him. I'm a single child and divorced parent. I don't like being alone. If you considered your children's feeling, you would try to convince him. not yelling at him. To me... If he love's his children, he will correct himself. Just that.. He needs to be reminded what he is doing. And how will his family members will feel.
Posted by wongyiying on Fri, 18 Dec 2009 at 15:24 PM

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