Q: MY husband and I are nearing 50. We've been married for 20 years and have two school-going children.

Most of the students at his private college are female nursing students and one of his job functions is to manage their discipline. On three separate occasions, I have come across intimate SMSes that he had received from or sent to another female.

The first, sent "accidentally" to my mobile, had terms of endearment in another language. He said it was meant for me; I did not believe him.

Since then, I've been suspicious as he's always texting messages at night. One day, I checked his phone and came across another intimate SMS.

When confronted, he said the student was a special person with some mental problems, hence he had to tackle her using loving messages. I lost my temper and told him that he should not be emotionally involved with his students. He promised not to get too close to them.

Recently, I came across another SMS that said, "I miss you and feel like hugging and kissing you." I was devastated.

This time, he said he had to use this "tactic" to persuade the girl to be an informer, to report any incidents concerning the other students. He swore that he had never put his words into action and promised that it would not happen again.

I told him an affair is an affair, whether physical or implied, and the fact that he could even think of sending intimate messages to other females was unforgivable.

I asked him if he found anything lacking in our marriage as we had not been intimate for some time now. He said no.

Could my weaknesses or faults have driven him to this behaviour? Perhaps our lack of intimacy led him to "have fun" outside.

I wish to correct that but, being pre-menopausal, I just lack the sexual drive. After work and on weekends, I’m tired because of the housework. I have been a dutiful wife and treated him with love and respect.

Now I have lost all trust and respect for him. I have considered divorce – I'm financially independent – but the impact on the children and our families will be devastating.

The only saving grace is he is still a good father to the children. How can I live the rest of my life with a cheating husband?

Unforgivable

A: YOUR husband is guilty of betraying your love and trust, and taking advantage of young students whom he should discipline. Shame on him for seducing girls who are vulnerable to a man’s attention.

It’s worse that he is abusing his position of authority to prey on those who place their trust in him. You are right; even if he were not having sexual affairs, he was happily playing the Casanova even after being found out.

Do not find excuses for him or blame yourself. If your husband were more sensitive to your biological changes, he should be there to support you through this phase of your life. Instead, he indulges in his fantasies at the expense of your love and marriage. Perhaps he actually believed that it was harmless fun as long as he didn’t sleep with the girls. He probably enjoyed having his ego stroked by admiring and gullible females who found him charming at his age.

Such men are fools. Threaten him with divorce so that he wakes up to the reality of consequences. Let him be aware of how much he stands to lose if he chooses to continue his flirty seductions.

How does he expect his children to love and respect him as before if they learn the truth? Would he want to be labelled a dirty old man? He stands to lose his job, too, should anyone lodge a complaint about those intimate sick SMSes.

From the start, he had tried to lie his way out of trouble. He never really blamed you for not being sexually active although he succumbed to nubile temptations.

It is hard to forgive and forget his behaviour, but if you still care for him, give him another chance. But make sure that he knows that should he stray again, you will not hesitate to kick him out.

Every marriage comes under threat when the man starts to feel his age and gets insecure. It does not help that you’re not up to sex and passion as you enter menopause. So think of ways to keep your man happy and contented. Share time together, plan holidays and do not be embarrassed about being demonstrative.

He needs to know that you still find him sexy and attractive. But never take on the entire burden of keeping the marriage together. He needs to do his part to make you feel loved and cherished too.