updated 15 Jan 2010, 16:48
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Mon, Jan 04, 2010
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I found out my husband was having an affair

Q: I AM in my early 40s, have been married for 15 years and have two teenagers. My husband runs his own business and I have a career. We share all the household expenses equally.

A year ago, I found out that he was having an affair. He confessed but blamed me for not having time for him and the family. We had a heart-to-heart talk and he promised to end it, and pleaded for forgiveness.

Over the months, he truly changed. He did not go out and treated me like in our courting days. He resumed all his financial responsibilities and even gave me RM700 ($288) monthly.

Initially, I could not even let him touch me, but due to his good conduct and my desire to patch things up, I gave in to his sexual needs. Then I found out he was still in contact with her. When confronted, he claimed it was strictly business.

I have moved to my parents’ house with my kids and am seriously considering divorce. I’m not convinced their affair has ended and feel totally cheated for the second time.

Second-time Cheated Wife

A: IT is always the worst mistake to move out if you still want to salvage love and marriage. Unless you want the other woman to fill your place, go home.

You had a good start and the marriage has been on the mend. Giving up now is such easy surrender. There are many divorces now because women are capable and financially independent. But if there is love and hope, why give up without a fight? Sure, the husband is wrong and deserves to be kicked out. But shouldn’t we, too, be held responsible for being too involved in career and our own needs?

Marriage after an affair will always be painful for it is fraught with suspicion and distrust. You will always be watching for signs that he is still cheating on you. But he had a relationship with this woman and feelings cannot be turned off at will. Perhaps she will not let him off so easily?

You are a smart woman. Did you truly expect the affair to end abruptly if it had been going on for awhile? Men are generally weak and indecisive when it comes to entanglements. When the other woman exerts some pressure, he will find it hard to deal with confrontation and tears.

So you need to spend effort and energy to ensure that your guy has no time and stamina for her. Some people will call you a fool for you have the resources to cut him out. But is he worth a part of your life?

There is no right or wrong when it comes to love. Quitting is easy but remember, we have responsibilities as partners and parents. Sometimes, we have to swallow our pride and pain so that we can have a complete, happy home for ourselves and our children.

Think of the future, and ask yourself if you want to start all over again. If the sacrifices and compromises are not too much to bear, can you fight on? If your husband is beyond redemption and love is empty and dead, then let divorce be the last sad resort.


readers' comments
due to the betrayal of another woman. You are just seeking comfort back to your familiar ground and cowardly crawling back to your comfort zone because you know you wont get hurt and betrayed. Good on the woman who cheated on you, and that will be exactly what your wife will be feeling should she have found out about it. Please multiply the sadness by infinity.

In summary and on a heavy note, you are just yet another miscreant person in this society and I hope you excercise some logic and conscience the next time you post a comment.
Posted by shortfused on Thu, 7 Jan 2010 at 10:33 AM
(Sigh!) you can't really trust people nowadays...
Posted by Wong Keat Wai on Thu, 7 Jan 2010 at 10:28 AM
Hi dan08308,

I think maybe your vows should incorporate a line which says, I will love my wife be it if she turns less attractive or less appealing in bed. Your wife who married you is not to satisfy your libidinous desires. She is there as a life long partner, who will support you, take care of you and be through thick and thin with you no matter what happens and vice versa for the husband and not to be there being pretty, and sexy.

How long can we all look pretty and appealing for? Are you as pretty or gorgeous? Maybe your wife finds you out-of-shape as well? Maybe she just never spoke up.

And shame on you, on the fact that you feel you actually only love and can only trust your wife due to the betrayal of .....
Posted by shortfused on Thu, 7 Jan 2010 at 10:27 AM
Dan08308, you are finding excuses on your affair. If she has not cheated on your feelings, I believe you are still in courtship mood, loving and sweet. Dumping your family aside.
Posted by angelloveme on Thu, 7 Jan 2010 at 10:21 AM
dan08308 - can I know?? If you had not found out, quoted "she cheated on my feelings", would you have left her??
Posted by lovemelovemenot on Wed, 6 Jan 2010 at 15:02 PM
Somehow, try to make your time with him intimate and fulfilling (you know what I mean)and he will have no energy to stray elsewhere...

Take care...
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Posted by dan08308 on Tue, 5 Jan 2010 at 17:33 PM
Man are more likely to stray away and that's always true. We are born like that...Accept him and forgive him...many times, but make sure you do something to help him avoid situations he may have chance to stray. I know it is tough on you, but if u love him and and your kids you will do it. Understand that man is the weaker one when it comes to sex and feelings...

Perhaps you could bring kids out together, eat, swim, etc. Make it a routine weekly...ask him what time he's coming back for dinner, show concern for him. Show him you love him...say it to him. Talk, communicate...

In addition, you must also dress up. Keep yourself beautiful, take care of yourself physically. Men are visual creatures and they respond to sight very fast, you know what I mean. Somehow, try to make .....
Posted by dan08308 on Tue, 5 Jan 2010 at 17:31 PM
Hi, i am speaking from a man's point of view.

I am also in my 40s, married with 2 teenage kids. I love my kids very much. I can say I love my wife very much but I just don't sense the intimacy we had when we first got married.

Two years ago, I fell in love with another lady but I was glad I came out of it shortly myself after I found she cheated on my feelings. She was deliberate in making use of me...I was sad but finally my senses tell me there are no other woman I can trust better than my wife.

I love my wife but I guess our marriage simply lack that intimate feeling. My wife loves me very much and that's one thing that keeps me staying on with this marriage .....
Posted by dan08308 on Tue, 5 Jan 2010 at 17:29 PM

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