I AM in my mid-30s, single and having an affair with my brother-in-law, A. This has been going on for a few years and although I feel guilty for betraying my sister, I cannot let him go as I love him.

I did break up with him several times but he would not let me go. He says he cannot lose me, but sometimes I wonder if he’s in this just for sex. Once I had a miscarriage but he never bothered to check on me or take me to a clinic. He said that if he took me to the doctor, they would ask who he was to me.

He never bothers about me when I fall sick. Once I told him that his friend had flirted with me and talked about sex-related things, but he didn’t care. He hardly talks to me or shares his problems with me. He hardly spends time with me except when he wants sex.

When we have sex, he doesn’t hug me; once it’s over, he’ll sit alone. I’m really confused. Does he really love me or if am I the one who makes myself seem like a fool?

Confused Mid-30s

YOU know the truth but you have been in denial all these years. You are in love with A and you want so much to believe that he cares. But deep in your heart, you know that it’s just lust.

Why did you allow this to happen? Having sex with your brother-in-law on the sly is the worst betrayal to your sister. You are two people she loves and trusts. Yet you could not control your feelings and succumbed to his seduction. Or, did you throw yourself at him?

How can you continue to love this man who refused to take responsibility when you had a miscarriage? How can you not acknowledge his lack of interest in you when he ignored another man’s attraction for you?

Yes, you are such a fool. You never had any reason to be confused because he has never shown any love for you. He is using you for sex. You tried to break off with him, but went back to him willingly whenever he asked.

Weak-willed and misguided in your love for him, you are easy prey, an eager victim. Although he has hurt you many times with his selfish, callous ways, you have allowed yourself to be his sex slave for so many years.

Do not plead guilt for betraying your sister because you never tried hard enough to stop this relationship. Perhaps you were hoping for A to fall in love with you and ditch her? You seem so consumed by your feelings you ignored reality and the possible consequences of your behaviour. How would your sister and family react should they ever find out about your affair? Would they blame him or you, the sister who should know better?

Do not kid yourself that A will ever fall in love with you. There is no emotional connection or communication apart from sex. You know that you should break off but you cannot let go. Until you wise up and walk away, it would appear that you are consciously hanging on to this affair. Blame no one for your actions because you chose to betray your sister from the very start.