(Above; Product manager Darwin Ho does the major cleaning up at home. Pictured with him is wife Evelyn and son Jonas)

It started with a letter to The Straits Times Forum page, addressing the problem of Singapore's flagging birth rate. The blame, ST reader Sulthan Niaz wrote, fell on legions of Singapore women who were raised as 'spoilt princesses' by their parents.

'Our boys and girls grow up lacking parenting skills and are clueless about household chores,' he wrote, adding that while men learn to take on such responsibilities in national service, women never do. Consequently, they eschew parenthood, choosing to focus on their careers and personal ambition.

What followed was a series of furious rebuttals, both in this newspaper's soapbox and in cyberspace. Why should women continue to be defined by their ability to have babies and keep house, charged some. Men who do not pull their own weight when it comes to familial duties are to blame too, said others.

LifeStyle asked Mr Niaz for an interview, but he declined.

A storm of controversy or a storm in a teacup? Whichever way you see it, the debate has thrown up questions about gender roles and equality at home, with the division of domestic responsibilities coming up as a major bone of contention.

Yes, we are referring to that dreaded word: Housework.

For the record, women in Singapore still do most of the housework, according to a recent study conducted by sociologist Paulin Tay Straughan.

In her findings published last year, a sample of 1,853 men and women - both married and divorced - reported their participation in a list of 19 domestic chores.

The results showed that women did almost four times more housework than men.

This is common even in households where both partners work.

'In contemporary households, the stress is on women,' she says. 'They have the 'double shift' and are expected to take on multiple responsibilities. The stress sometimes becomes too much.'

When a blissful couple pledge at the altar till death do they part, who does the dishes and changes diapers is the furthest thing from their minds. Yet, for many marriages, it can be a deal breaker.

In her study, titled Marriage Dissolution In Singapore, Associate Professor Straughan also found that an unequal distribution of housework could expose couples to a higher risk of divorce, and vice versa.

'When there is a greater desire on the man's part to take up additional responsibilities, do more at home and show empathy... the marriage becomes stronger.'

Ms Chong Cheh Hoon, a counsellor with Focus On The Family, says 'housework will often crop up as an issue in marital conflicts when shared responsibilities and time management become problems.

'This is especially evident in most dual-income couples where one spouse, usually the wife, will accuse the offending partner of not pulling his or her weight when it comes to home matters.'

Families who have maids present a different dynamic altogether. But for those who do not have maids, the question is: Despite the risks, why do the women, many of whom have full-time jobs, still hold the fort at home?

Love is... sharing chores

One such double-shifter is Madam June Yeo, 45, a mother of two who works as an account manager.

'My husband helps out occasionally, like helping to fix things when they are broken. But I do most of the cooking and cleaning,' she says.

'My mother did most of the work when I was growing up too, so I don't think it's unusual in any way.'

Assoc Prof Straughan believes this mindset is part of 'gender-specific socialisation', the sentiment that a woman should be 'a good wife and a good mother'.

She says: 'It's embedded in all kinds of morals and folk tales and even in the toys that children play with. Little girls play with dolls and cooking sets, little boys play with trucks. As you get older, those roles are played out even more.'

Women in general are 'innate nurturers', says Ms Chong. 'When family members are not forthcoming in helping to keep the house in order, they will jump in out of personal habit, begrudgingly or in resignation.'

Why do they not revolt?

Because it is all relative, says Assoc Prof Straughan. 'Working married women don't compare themselves to their husbands. Instead, their reference group is to homemakers and they think 'I am still better off than a housewife who has to do this 24 hours a day'.'

But if it sounds like society has not progressed far from foot-binding or the suffragette movement, the silver lining is that more men seem to be shedding their patriarchal hang-up to chip in with the chores.

'Active fathering' is a hot catchphrase, with the Dads For Life movement being one of the latest drives to involve men in family life. It is spearheaded by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports.

Madam Teo Lin-Lee, a grassroots leader who heads the recently formed Daddies Club in Queenstown, says she sees more young fathers babysitting and doing the marketing. Many, however, still dislike washing the dishes, doing the laundry and tidying the house.

But she says it is still a far cry from older, more conservative dads who 'prefer to be served and pampered by their wives'.

Most of the converts will be Gen X-ers and Gen Y-ers, who are more exposed to the ideas of female emancipation and gender equality, adds Ms Chong.

Upbringing also matters, says counselling psychologist Adrian Lim, who has studied the role of men in family life. 'If I am spoilt as a child, it will play out in my adult living style. Husbands are more open to sharing housework if they are good at doing it because their mothers have trained them from young.'

For business analyst Rohaizad Sulaiman, 33, his mother forced him to do housework when he was growing up. 'She used to say 'when you are married, you will know as you also have to help your wife.' I didn't understand then why I had to do it.'

Now, doing the dishes or mopping the floor is something that 'comes naturally' to the father of two. 'My wife Siscaliana is a teacher and should not have to do everything. It's a shared responsibility as she also contributes to the family,' he says.

'Training' for other men, such as product manager Darwin Ho, 34, came in the form of national service and living overseas as a student in Australia.

He handles major clean-ups such as scrubbing the toilet and dusting the fans and air-conditioning. He says he also does all the ironing 'because I'm better at it'.

In the mornings, he is also up early to prepare milk for five-year-old son Jonas.

He and his wife Evelyn, 32, a senior manager, went for pre-marital counselling before tying the knot. 'It helped us discuss and manage our expectations on the division of labour,' she says.

So whether it is a man's or woman's world at home is perhaps now increasingly an irrelevant point.

Mr Lim says: 'It's no longer my space or your space, but our space to consider. So how a couple shares and divides their responsibilities reflects that mutual consideration and love for each other.'

This article was first published in The Straits Times.