updated 19 Aug 2010, 18:38
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Mon, Jul 19, 2010
The Star/ ANN
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He's not in love with my family

I AM a 25-year-old single woman in a long distance relationship for almost two years. I always wanted a man that could emotionally support me and help me if he could. We have been talking about marriage and I think he is the man I can lean on and I wish to have a family with him. He loves me and could provide me with what I want, and he treats me well. But I think there is still more to experience between us.

My family is my priority. Due to my family’s financial problem, my mum works overseas to earn money for the family. She has supported us for almost nine years. I am the eldest, with a brother and sister studying in college. I live with my dad and am earning just enough to support myself and help out the family a bit.

I feel my fiance should understand me and my family situation but whenever I am sad and talk about family matters, he doesn’t seem to bother. A man should care and treat his in-laws as his own family. I couldn’t accept a man who didn’t feel that way. Sometimes I feel disappointed and quarrel with him. Then he will ignore me for two days. I’m really confused. If he loves me, he should support me emotionally.

I’m waiting for my mum to come back before I get married. Once I get married, I have to leave my dad alone here. The first few years my mother went abroad, he got really depressed and thought that his children would look down on him. My sister is studying abroad and my brother is studying locally but far from our hometown. All of us really wish for the day when we can be reunited.

Confused Girl

You are a good, filial child but will you be happy if he places his family as his priority, not you? While you have many right reasons to wish for a man who will care for your family as you do, not many men are financially or emotionally prepared to take care of so many people!

If you are already quarrelling and fighting with your guy over your family now, there may be problem. You feel guilty about your mom who is still working overseas for the family. You feel bad about leaving your dad alone. You are burdened by filial responsibilities and expect your man to feel as you do. Perhaps there may be someone who can fit into this mould but this is not the man. He loves you, cares about you but he is not ready to take on your responsibilities.

Perhaps you should consider giving this relationship more time. When your mum is home to care for your dad, you will feel better about getting married. However, you may risk losing your guy if he is not happy to wait a few more years for you. From his behaviour of being able to ignore you for two days after a quarrel, he is a man who knows his mind. If he believes that he is not at fault, he will not bow to your expectations.

If you love him, there will have to be understanding and compromise. If you continue to fight and quarrel over the same issues, then you may want to consider exploring other relationships. While it is fine to be a good daughter, you must also have consideration for the man who will be your life partner and father of your children. When you have a family of your own, they will be your priority, not your parents.

readers' comments
From the article, it is not as if the whole family is in dire situations. She must also bear this in mind "When you have a family of your own, they will be your priority, not your parents."

I think she is expecting too much from the guy, I guess her idea of relationship is lock stock and barrel, including, the grandparents.....
Posted by davelim881 on Tue, 20 Jul 2010 at 21:27 PM
romance and marriage are 2 different matters altogether. In romance, you can dream on how wonderful yr partner is going to be. In marriage, it is a life long commitment and takes both party to work hard to stay together and build up your family.
Posted by gongsimee on Tue, 20 Jul 2010 at 21:20 PM
Long distance relationship are prone to difficulties ! I wonder how often you get together ? You are a good daughter and cares alot for your family, but you are finding all these problems rather tiresome. Whenever you speak to your fiance I believe you might be off loading all your worries and concern to him. Like a record player he keeps listening to the same old song, can you blame him for switching off ! Love the man for what he is, and not what you want him to be. If you have doubts concerning the relationship, then it's best to let it go. Holding on to him and hoping he will change eventually is unlikely to happen !
Posted by heavenlyangel on Tue, 20 Jul 2010 at 21:00 PM
Such a selfish girl, dumping the parents here and running to another country.
Posted by Criminalz on Tue, 20 Jul 2010 at 15:32 PM
Why choose a long distance love affair without even considering the outcome that the girl is suppose to move over to the guy's country to start a family? Cyber sex will not form a family or have kids...

The gil have a family to take care and want the guy to take care, how about that guy? That guy hatched from rocks without parents?? Depending on your cultural and traditional values, mostly its the man's duties to look after his parents, so depending on your culture.... there are culture/practices whereby its the man who moves into the girl's home... check and see if your man is prepared for that first.
Posted by Small Fly on Tue, 20 Jul 2010 at 13:13 PM
I am really surprised to hear such complaints.....

First, didn't we always say love is the affairs of only the 2 people? When the daughter-in-law are expected to do so much after marrying into the family, this era, peeople would encourage her (or even her own mindset) that she didn't marry his family, she only married him because she loves him.

These days, we encourage young couples not to let the relationship be affected by the family problem, because it's not the whole family the couple married.

Am I hearing something that is moving backwards and not forward? I guess what you need is a savour, a samritan and not true love. You are hoping to look for someone to share your burden, not someone whom you love and you love him. And if that is the case, why .....
Posted by IndignantFemale on Tue, 20 Jul 2010 at 09:32 AM

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