Dear Thelma

I AM waiting to get a place in university in June. Although I'm good in my studies, things have happened that are preventing me from studying.

I'm ashamed to say I'm not a virgin. I was raped by a boy two years back but could not do anything because of my parents. I don't want them to know because I'm afraid they will kill themselves.

I just told my sister, who consoled me. It was killing me but I kept it in my heart and continued with my life.

Last year I met D through a social network. We started chatting and it felt so good. I began telling him everything about my past and he sympathised with me.

He then proposed and I accepted him as my lover. In the first few months he was good to me. Later I found out he was not loyal - he was still with his ex, although he said he had broken up with her.

He just wanted to use me, but I loved him sincerely. He asked for sex and I blindly agreed. Then we had a misunderstanding and I started avoiding him. For three months, he acted like he wanted me, but I kept refusing him.

Early this year, he said he wanted to tell my parents everything, including the sex part. He had some photos of me naked and threatened to expose them. That day, I took some sleeping tablets, but nothing bad happened.

When he called the next morning, I begged him not to do as he'd said. He then came to my house and told my mum to ask me what had happened.

I told her we'd had sex and she beat me in front of him. Two days later, he came and promised mum that he wanted me in his life. She asked him to wait until I had finished studying. After that he was good to me and I was happy again.

But recently, D met up with his ex and they had sex. He cannot forget her. At first I asked him to get back with her. But the next day, I was begging him like a dog not to leave me.

He told me it all depends; if he wants his ex in future, he will leave me. I felt devastated.

I cannot live without him. If he leaves me I will kill myself. I have attempted suicide four times, but failed. D continues to cheat on me and I cannot bear the pain.

Truth of my life

WHY would you want to kill yourself for a man who cheats on you and blackmails you? Your four failed suicide attempts show that you were not meant to give up your life for him.

If you really want to study, concentrate on that instead of wasting your youth on a man who is using your body. A decent fellow would not threaten to expose photos of your most intimate moments to the world. If he truly loves you, he would want to protect you from hurt and harm, not inflict such pain on you.

You need to pull yourself together and stop putting your life at stake. You were a victim of rape and if you need help, you must not be afraid to seek it. There are many support groups such as the Women's Aid Organisation that will give you support and advice.

Reconcile with the past and put the bad things behind you. Do not allow another man to make a victim of you because you fear him.