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Mon, Jun 11, 2012
The Star/Asia News Network
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A wife on the side

Deck and I started dating each other back in 2006. We are from different races but we set aside some factors that involved culture because what counted to us most was our love for each other. And we really wanted to be happy together.

In 2008, we talked about having a baby, followed by marriage after we had set certain things in order, according to the plans we made.

After a year of trying, our boy was born in October 2009. But then I had to go back to my country to deliver the baby.

From then on we had a long-distance relationship. He visited me and our son twice a year in my hometown. He phoned every day and we chatted via the Internet.

But last year, he suddenly changed. The calls became infrequent, like once a month. If I did not message him to say that I needed money for our son's needs he would not send anything. He explained that life was hard and he was not doing great at work.

My instincts told me that something was wrong and that a woman was involved. But my heart refused to accept it so I kept on pretending that things were okay.

I also didn't want him to think that I did not trust him. I was in denial because I wanted to make things work.

Deck is currently working in Kuala Lumpur, so I decided to apply for a job there to help him financially. I also hoped to close the gap in our relationship and go back to the way things were before.

Then I found out that he has a family in Malaysia. His woman has given him a daughter, who is nine months old. I was speechless!

His explanation is that it was his family's decision that he got married and he was only following the culture. And he says that God has blessed him with two wives and two children.

He wants to keep me and the other woman. He also says he loves me more than her. But I am a Christian and I'm not in favour of such an arrangement.

All I want now is to get out of this suffering and move on with my life. What do you think is the right thing to do?


This is not about what I think you should do, but what you want to do now. This man may have had good intentions - the two of you planned to start a family and get married. And then, things took a different turn.

He says that he did not have much choice in the matter of his having to marry someone else. He may or may not have a point.

But, do you think he should have told you when the discussions were taking place, or even after he got married? Of course, there is the fact that he started to neglect you and your son.

He now says that he wants both you and his wife. It looks like he wants the best of both worlds. Since he never told you about his other life before, it is easy to assume that he intended to continue with the deception.

Now that you know, will his wife come to know as well? If she does not, then there will be a lot of lying on his side. Do you want to be a part of that?

If he does tell her, one wonders if she will simply accept his decision to have both of you in his life.

We will never know the answer to this question, and maybe it is best to not dwell on it too much. It is good, however, to keep the question in perspective.

Knowing all this now, what do you want to do? You can choose to continue living the way you do now, following the agreement you both made. Or, you may want to consider leaving him.

If that is the case, you may also want to consult with a lawyer to consider your options and see if you can get some financial protection for you and your son.

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