updated 8 Aug 2013, 17:05
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Mon, May 27, 2013
The Star/Asia News Network
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Two-timing wife

I have been together with my wife, G, for 20 years. I am in my late 40's and she is in her early 40's. We have two children aged six and 10, whom we both love very much.

Eight months ago, I noticed that G was getting colder and impatient towards me and the kids.

On an impulse, I checked her email and found out that she was having an affair with H, who is married with children and lives in another state.

Upon finding out about the affair, I decided to keep it quiet, while trying to woo her back. I wrote her an email to say that I know we were facing some tension in our marriage, but I would like to work on it.

She didn't respond to my email, but I kept on trying.

Finally, two weeks later, I told her that I knew about the affair. She cried but didn't say much during the confrontation. Things were rough for another two weeks, after which I decided to call H's wife, K, and inform her about the affair between G and H.

K immediately confronted H and H promised K that he would stop the affair immediately.

Things were ok for a while until about four months ago, when I saw that G called H with her handphone. When I confronted G, she didn't answer, and just cried.

I packed my bag and left the house, as I told her I would if she didn't stop the affair.

The next day, I called K again to inform her about the continuing affair, and she decided to call G. G then texted me to say that K called and scolded her for having the affair.

I then moved back since I felt that G should have learnt her lesson then. I decided to start afresh on the assumption that the affair was over.

However, I recently found out that G has bought a new handphone and is still in contact with H. I have not confronted G about the latest.

I've done all I can to save the marriage, including going to a marriage councellor on my own as G says she couldn't talk to an outsider. I feel that I'm now left with two options: to ignore the affair to keep the marriage, or to divorce G immediately.

I am also thinking of the children, and I might just have an agreement with G that we'll have separate lives while living in the same house, but separate rooms.

I know it's almost impossible to do that but it really breaks my heart to think that my children will be brought up in a broken home if we are to divorce.

I need your help urgently. Thank you.

PS: I just wanted to add that I'm Chinese and my wife is Malay, and I converted when we got married. What's more, I am surrounded by very supportive family members and friends, but there is only so much they can do.

Running Man

IT is hard dealing with the knowledge that your spouse continues an affair even after you found out about it. It is good that she knows that you know. It is also good that you have confronted her.

However, have you and your wife really talked about it? From what you have said, you talk and she cries. Has she tried to explain to you why she is doing what she is doing? What does she want? What does she hope to achieve by continuing the affair? Which life would she prefer - one where you live your own separate lives, or one where she chooses between you and H?

As a matter of fact, what does she say about it at all? She seems intent to continue communicating with H. Why? What can she share with him that she cannot share with you?

This is not to lay blame on you. But, it is an effort to try and understand why she is behaving like this.

Your efforts to save your marriage are also commendable. But, marriage counseling will not work if only one person goes. You can continue the counseling, if you wish. But, it will have to be for yourself only. If she agrees to try, go for it.

This is a decision that you and your wife have to make together. It would seem unfair for this decision to be made by someone who is not at all related to either of you.

This is also a decision that should come after a deep and thorough conversation. I am predicting that you will not reach a decision overnight. You should be aware of this and be conscious that you should not rush into a decision.

Of course, in a situation like this, you would be thinking of the welfare of your children. As much as you want to protect them from pain, they are perceptive and will come to learn that something is wrong.

Even if you continue to live together in the same house under an "arrangement", they will come to understand that mummy and daddy are not happy.

Whatever decision you make, you must be prepared to explain it to your children.

Both of you will have to decide how much you want to reveal to them. Just know that eventually, they will come to know everything.

Also, neither of you should start speaking badly about the other. Even in a conflict, you have to continue to work as a team to raise your children. Do not fall into the trap of setting your children against each other.

Before you make any decision, it is also advisable for you to get some expert advice. Speak to a lawyer to know your options. Sisters in Islam (SIS) runs a legal clinic and it may be good for you to speak to them to understand your position.

readers' comments
After reading this article, its just a simple case of angmo 比你的 bigstick.
Posted by Seekeroftruth on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 22:13 PM
Can thr MODs allow SOT to start another exploits with other wives thread. The last time i did it, it got deleted.
Posted by Seekeroftruth on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 21:32 PM

So old school.....When was the last time you did that nowadays....Even among yr colleagues next to you also need to send email to CYA;)
Posted by singleton on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 18:52 PM
Sun ***** also 3time. Peanuts la, sg female can do better than that
Posted by Mumbucky1 on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 18:37 PM
Affair is all sexual, the stealth adds to the fun. And after a while, it becomes relationship and a sexual one. I had a friend now involved with his BIL for almost 4 years. She said its love?

Living together and having flings are different. They think its love but when they live together, they will hate each other.

Stupid people do stupid things but sex can drive people to do stupid things.
Posted by BenHur007 on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 18:15 PM

Hehe, no lah, I'm actually blamming the guy for not treating the wife well. :p:D
Posted by mikuhatsune on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 18:05 PM

nope. should send registered mail? Or use Pigeon? 飞鸽传书?
Posted by DimpleGuy on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 17:49 PM

That one kena possessed la.:D
Posted by goondoon on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 17:43 PM

Take the children and leave her for good.
Told her if one day, she wake up, it is too late.
Posted by hfourhappy on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 17:33 PM
Never see b4 arh??? :eek::confused::confused:

U try go to one of those C&C see yourself ... more exaggerating ones also can see there ... :D :D

Posted by Small Fly on Mon, 27 May 2013 at 17:15 PM

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