A FRIEND recently joined a Facebook group named 'I have an ex-boyfriend who makes me want to vomit'.
The group's description says it all.
It confirms the Chinese adage, nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai, which loosely translates into 'if the boy isn't bad, the girls won't like him'.
In one corner, meet Exhibit A - my friend, an overseas-educated civil servant and former national sportsman with a great sense of humour. He also happens to be a perfectly decent gentleman.
Yet he is single and available, and has been for some time.
In the other corner, a couple of my female friends: Exhibit B - overseas-educated lawyer, devoted and caring girlfriend; and Exhibit C - financially independent, attractive and intelligent university graduate.
Both have long-term boyfriends who have, among other misdemeanours, cheated - and are still cheating - on them.
Yes, you guessed it: Both still want to marry these guys.
While reading recent reports on spousal abuse and infidelity, I cannot help but wonder if the decisions of Exhibits B and C, should they proceed with marriage, will end in tears.
Each time I query these friends on their tolerance of their partners' infractions, the answers I get are invariably this: 'But I love him and I believe he will change for me.'
So why do guys like Exhibit A, who deserve someone to love and to be loved in return, pale as choices compared to the cads who are boyfriends of Exhibits B and C?
I do not think I am alone in thinking this way. Although it is not my place to query matters of the heart, I cannot help but wonder if Cupid really is blind, random and, if I may add, unmeritocratic when shooting his arrows.
An explanation came in an article I chanced upon online, An Ode To The Nice Guys. It was penned by a student at the University of Pennsylvania, about how nice guys are consistently written off.
Exhibit A falls squarely into the category of males hailed in the ode: The ones who finish last, who play by the rules in a game that favours cheats, and thus never become more than friends with the girls.
And the reason why they take so long to be discovered? As the ode put it: 'Getting together would ruin the friendship.'
I guess that's the obstacle, and it's a real one. But my question is, would you rather have an extremely spicy exotic dish guaranteed to give you a stomach-ache, or a simple and pleasant meal of staple food?
I suspect the answers will still be split. But why work yourself into a vomiting fit? Give the nice guys a chance. After all, romance is arguably the deepest form of friendship.
The writer, 26, is working as a lawyer in London. He is a nice guy.
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
One of my girl friends called me recently, informing me that she is getting married and assuring that she loves me most and will always remember and miss me.
So, you can have a real good time with the bad guys and then settle down with a nice guy.......keeping all the fond memories too:p
We are still best of friends henceforth.:rolleyes:
That's precisely the problem of exciting bad vs boring good - Some women wanting the best of both worlds and the delusional attitude that such expectations are justified. And when it doesn't happen, that an exciting chap turns out to be well bad, its the good chaps like the husband of a famous HK celebrity who get shafted.
The arguments posted earlier in this thread - that niceness does not equate boringness is academic as in reality, an inverse relation has to exist between the two. or else this would never be a discussion point because no logical person would make a case that a bad boring chap is worth considering.
The problem though is that modern women empowerment ideology, which while good in many ways, had in fact encouraged herd behaviour amongst women to think such expectations are .....
a. No money - Cannot pay for professionals.
b. No look - Cannot attract interests.
c. No guts - Dare not approach the girls.
d. No brain - Don't know what to do?
So, think again ladies. Do you rather be killed in excitement or be bored to death?
ironically i do not like bad boys, but i understand the mindset of gals who want to stick by bad boys. but sometimes there really is a little something lacking in a mr. nice guy.
i cannot understand the logic of 'eggy tan'...
while he/she gives the benefit of the doubt that a bad boy could be good, he/she seems to write off the possibility that a nice guy can also be good to only one special girl. in fact, i am more inclined to conclude that a bad guy would be nasty and unpredictable to everyone. That is just how he is. that 'special girl' is more likely to get the privilege of 'enjoying' a full dosage of his nastiness and unpredictability. maybe there is such a 'good bad boy', but come on, what are the odds?
actually, the logic here sounds eerily like a self-rationalisation process of someone who hopes that she is that special one who will change the bad boy...
the 'nice' guy who wants a relationship but does not step out of his comfort zone and make effort to better reach out to the exhibits b and c, will simply not win over such girls. no girl wants to lower her expectations unnecessarily. he may end up settling down with similar 'nice' girls who have lower expectations. that is however not necessarily a bad ending, but not an optimal one.
on the other end, exhibit b and c type who are drawn to the 'boldness' and 'courage' of certain guys will naturally have a much higher hit rate of hitting rotten apples who habitually exhibit the same traits towards other exhibits b and c. that is the trade off. if she can TRULY live with it, fine. I personally know of many ladies sticking .....
Totally agreed. I suspect "nice guys" tend to be shy about girls. Perhaps they fear rejection just that much, hence they are not that proactive. The SDU has done a lot in bringing "nice guys" the opportunities/encounters which they can safely withdraw from should they feel uncomfortable. Sooner or later they start to feel comfortable and then things fall in place...
Smart girls who are serious in getting "nice guys" may have to take the initiative at times. He may be just needing a morale booster. Once his engine has started, well, you'll never know...
every gal wants to feel special.
with a nice guy, hes not just nice to u, hes nice to others too.
with a bad boy, he may be nasty and unpredictable but when hes good u can be sure u r the only special gal at the receiving end.