Having a prenuptial agreement is building your marriage on the wrong foundation.

It is a contractual relationship that arises because of a couple cannot fully trust themselves to commit to their marital vows – "to love, honor, and care in sickness and in health, forsaking all others till death do us part."

Those who are for pre-nups often talk about how the agreement can protect an individual's inheritance, assets, business, as well as limit the individual's obligation to spousal maintenance and debt after a divorce.

Those against it talk about a spouse's loss of right to inherit a portion of the other spouse's assets or estate, and losing any protection against debt incurred by the other partner. The common thread in these two lines of argument tend to focus on the outcome of a divorce, the material advantages to be gained from it and protecting oneself against losses that arise from divorce.

But a pre-nup tends to undermine the basic foundation of a strong and fulfilling marriage, which is trust. It presupposes divorce to be a possibility and couples embark on married life by preparing for that possibility. So a pre-nup tends to protect an individual in a marriage, rather than the marriage itself.

There are at least three reasons why couples may want to draft a pre-nup.

The first is fear as a result of losing faith in the permanency of marriage.

Some of these fears may be very real because of their own past bad experiences in relationships, or seeing their parents or close friends gone through it - being entangled in the fight during the course of divorce, fighting for the custody of children, maintenance, and division of assets & equities.

The trauma of experiencing someone else's broken marriage may lead them to take precautionary steps to protect themselves in their own marriage.

The second could be those who are concerned about their inheritance, and the inheritance rights of their children or grandchildren from a previous marriage which they want to preserve.

The third reason could be a result of more people marrying at a later age for the first time. These are individuals who have built up assets that they do not want to lose in the event of a divorce. There is a fear of losing one’s hard earned wealth in case of divorce.

Some would say that a pre-nup is similar to buying an insurance plan, just in case of a divorce. But while we are all physically degenerative in nature and our bodies are prone to diseases and environmental stress which can make us sick over time, a healthy fulfilling marriage is the other way round; the longer you are married, the stronger the love and commitment to your spouse.

If your partner wants to draft a pre-nup, that does not spell the end of your relationship. His or her fears could very well be a platform for an open communication. Take the opportunity to talk about any fears and understand his or her desire for wanting a pre-nup.

Until you understand and are clear about those reasons, you should continue that open and honest discussion.

But if you are the one who wants a pre-nup, you should honestly and thoughtfully communicate those desires to your partner. Open, honest, and
transparent discussion is crucial to building trust and emotional intimacy at this stage. Share with your partner the concerns and the fear. In the process of such communication you may discover something about your partner or discover some unfounded fear, or even better you may find you do not need it at all.

This article was contributed by Cynthia & Steven Lee, marriage counselors and founders of Exclusive Match Pte Ltd.