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Sun, Nov 08, 2009
The Star/Asia News Network
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Don't regret kicking a man who tried stripping another woman

LAST year, I met an old friend whom I had lost contact with for 12 years. I have known him for 26 years now. We were together for awhile during our twenties, but lost contact after that. I treat him as a very good and close friend now.

Love, commitment or marriage were never on my mind as I know he will not make a good husband – he is too playful. He likes to drink and womanise; still, he cares for me. During one of our outings, I unintentionally kicked him as he was getting out of control, molesting and stripping a guest relations officer (GRO). I apologised to him there and then, but now he refuses to take my calls. I know he is very angry with and disappointed in me.

I have written to him many times to apologise but he does not reply my e-mails and sms. I regret my action and am heartbroken about losing a good old friend, whom I respect. I treasure our friendship, but now it is all gone.

He is very special to me as he has treated me well. What should I do now and how can I get him to accept my apologies?

Heartbroken

Response from Thelma:

DO not regret kicking a man who tried molesting and stripping another woman in your presence. If he was truly your good friend, he would have respected you and behaved with control and dignity.

Congratulate yourself for leaping to the aid of a woman who was helpless to defend herself. Although she was a GRO, she deserved better from a client.

Your friend acted like an idiot and his anger towards you is uncalled for and unjustified.

Hanging up on you, refusing to take your calls and ignoring your e-mails reflect his shallow and narrow mindset.

Frankly, you are too good a friend to him. If he does not appreciate your sincere and genuine feelings for him, then let it be. If he had cared for you, he would not be acting in such a cold and callous manner.

A decent man would have acknowledged his bad-boy behaviour and apologised, instead of expecting you to be sorry and apologetic.

Sometimes, memories play tricks on our mind. You remember him as a wonderful guy pal but you have lost contact for 12 long years. Although you might know some of his strengths and weaknesses, you do not really know the man he truly is.

Do not try so hard to forgive him. You had reacted because you were appalled and disgusted. Move on and do not waste your time on regrets and remorse. The friendship has ended but you have gained a moment of pride and honour.

readers' comments
Malina pointed out your problem: you could differentiate morally right from wrong. And you should have rejected this kind of animal in your circle of friends. But you tried courting him knowing his serious flaws. You have low self esteem, probably. It means you do not value yourself and respect yourself that you are an upright person. Similarly, a high self esteem person will not tolerate a man using force to take off a woman's clothing. You can improve your self esteem by having friends who respect and encourage you. Do not intoxicate yourself frequently at those bars or pubs. Join activities at cc such as , Tekwando, or Wushu, if you are stilll young (assumed). You can get to know decent guys there, or learn cooking, take up exercises in the park regularly. When you are fit and exposed, you will have friends and your esteem will be back.
Posted by last_laugh on Tue, 10 Nov 2009 at 12:40 PM
I totally agree with the advice given by Thelma. From your reaction, I get the impression that you do not have many close friends or friends who treat you well, hence, you feel the heavy loss of a "dear" friend who cares for you alot. You knew that he did wrong but are so afraid to lose him because you are afraid to be lonely with no one to care for you. But, isn't it better to be guilt-free and hold respect for yourself? How can you continue to "respect" a "friend" who did something morally wrong to someone? And what if one day, in a drunken stupor, he did the same thing to you, will you think differently and be able to forget and forgive him? If he can do it once, he can do it twice and even thrice. Remember, a leopard never changes its spots. So, why .....
Posted by malinablu on Tue, 10 Nov 2009 at 09:06 AM
The man is a potential criminal. A person witnessed the "forced stripping" incident and did not inform the police is also a potential party of the criminal act. The GRO has her rights under the laws. If you are craving for the free pleasures of eating and drinking from this play boy is a wrong choice. Find someone else or control your greed.
Posted by last_laugh on Mon, 9 Nov 2009 at 15:27 PM

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