Dear Thelma

I LAST wrote to you in 2004 as “Depressed” (letter published in November 2004) about my cheating husband. He is now seeing someone again.

I have discovered little pieces of strong evidence that prove he has been having an affair, and when I confronted him, as expected, he denied everything. He said nothing but his facial expression showed that he felt guilty. My frustrations made me utter the word "divorce". I forgave him four years ago but had warned him that if it happened again, I would go ahead with the divorce.

We now sleep in separate rooms as I cannot bear to be in the same bed as the man who has betrayed me. The sight of him makes me sick and angry. I don't know how long I can tolerate this. I have made up my mind to end it with this man whom I have been married to for 27 years. We will be going for a vacation next month, but since this happened, will I be strong enough to go?

Depressed Again

BETRAYAL is a bitter pill to swallow, but after 27 years of marriage, are you truly ready to call it quits to stop the pain? Or do you love this man enough to give him this last chance, for his denial means he does not want to end this marriage?

When you discovered his affair a few years ago, you must have felt and behaved differently towards him. You couldn’t trust him and were suspicious of his every action. Many women find it hard to feel passion and love after such betrayal. Inadvertently, there will be changes and the marriage actually suffers more. The parties either try too hard or retreat into a cold, indifferent shell. If the love is not strong enough to forge forgiveness, then the marriage becomes a sham.

If you feel strongly about divorce, then seek legal advice. It is timely to also plan for your future. You need friends and family for support. Keep busy so you do not feel alone and lonely. Are you financially independent? Search the Internet to get in touch with support groups.

Be careful that you do not end up angry, frustrated and bitter. If you feel any love left for your husband, take the vacation with him. Be prepared to listen. It has come to a point when angry words, accusations and reproach will not help.

Be fair. Have you truly given your man the chance after the affair or did you turn your heart away from him? A cold, empty marriage is hardly grounds for a warm, passionate reconciliation. Decide after you have explored every possibility. Love should not end on such a painful and bitter note.