What is it like to share your husband? One woman speaks up and shares her account with SPH Magazine, Sutra.

Here is her story:

I never understood how I prepared myself to be a second wife when I was at the peak of my life and career. What astonishes me is how I summoned the courage to get married abroad without the blessings of my family.

Maybe this shows how strong an influence love can be or maybe it exhibits my naivety – it is still a mystery that I have yet to solve.

Someone else's fiancé
I met my husband-to-be when we were colleagues. But I was already engaged with a guy I met in university, although our relationship was uneventful.

My husband-to-be was a lot older than I am. Even today, I cannot understand how easily my feelings for my young fiance faded, but I eventually broke off my engagement with him.

My then-boyfriend and now-husband confided his matrimonial problems in me. He was disappointed  by a wife who provided insufficient love, respect and attention to him. I began to sympathise with him.

Our relationship was eventually discovered by his wife, and I became the 'third party'. I was verbally attacked by her, almost daily. This made me feel pressured sometimes, but other times, her insults strengthened my resolve to marry her husband.

The three of us met to resolve our problem. The cracks in their marriage were already there before I entered the picture, but his wife insisted that I was to blame. She refused to let us marry, so we went overseas to tie the knot.

A tsunami of emotions
 
But our marriage lacked maturity and our relationship was plagued with problems. It was then that I realised I was not ready to share someone else's husband.
 
I was furious with myself for agreeing to be a second wife and embarrased at my status too. There were times when I longed for a divorce but I feared being mocked at.

The first wife detested me and would insult me when she deemed fit.

I decided to become pregnant in a bid to be less lonely, but things did not improve. She accused me of bearing an illegitimate child, since she did not agree to our marriage. I slipped into depression while I was pregnant.

I was forced to seek treatment at a mental hospital. In my most helpless moments, I would be lying down on the hospital bed with my hands tied to both sides of the bed while I thought about the meaning of life.

I cried very hard from the disappointment over the way I handled this challenging period of my life. But I finally realised that life is too short and meaningful to be influenced by depression. I realised that I was blessed in many ways and God had merely tested me with a minor setback and I nearly failed because I was unable to share my husband's affection.

I began to pay attention to my responsibilities as a wife and mother, while striving to improve relations with my parents. I also attempted to rebuild my career which was left in shreds due to my unstable emotions. Ten years have passed and I am currently leading a fulfilling life with my husband and three children. My family has also forgiven and accepted my decisions.

The first wife is still hostile towards me, but she rarely bothers me these days. Perhaps she grew tired of being ignored by me.

My family now leads a normal and peaceful lifestyle. I have stopped feeling lonely whenever my husband stays the night at his first wife's place. After all, he would only be gone for a day. 

It is sad to see how most polygamous marriages are troubled because the husband is unable to carry out his duties fairly. But perhaps the wife is a contributing factor too when she allows her emotions to cloud her judgement.

I do not even feel embarrassed by my status as a second wife anymore as I do not see a problem with sharing affection. But I still keep my status a secret as I am aware that society is unable to accept and welcome people like me.

For full details, get your March copy of Sutra at all major newsstands now.