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Wed, Feb 25, 2009
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Confessions of a second wife

What is it like to share your husband? One woman speaks up and shares her account with SPH Magazine, Sutra.

Here is her story:

I never understood how I prepared myself to be a second wife when I was at the peak of my life and career. What astonishes me is how I summoned the courage to get married abroad without the blessings of my family.

Maybe this shows how strong an influence love can be or maybe it exhibits my naivety – it is still a mystery that I have yet to solve.

Someone else's fiancé
I met my husband-to-be when we were colleagues. But I was already engaged with a guy I met in university, although our relationship was uneventful.

My husband-to-be was a lot older than I am. Even today, I cannot understand how easily my feelings for my young fiance faded, but I eventually broke off my engagement with him.

My then-boyfriend and now-husband confided his matrimonial problems in me. He was disappointed  by a wife who provided insufficient love, respect and attention to him. I began to sympathise with him.

Our relationship was eventually discovered by his wife, and I became the 'third party'. I was verbally attacked by her, almost daily. This made me feel pressured sometimes, but other times, her insults strengthened my resolve to marry her husband.

The three of us met to resolve our problem. The cracks in their marriage were already there before I entered the picture, but his wife insisted that I was to blame. She refused to let us marry, so we went overseas to tie the knot.

A tsunami of emotions
 
But our marriage lacked maturity and our relationship was plagued with problems. It was then that I realised I was not ready to share someone else's husband.
 
I was furious with myself for agreeing to be a second wife and embarrased at my status too. There were times when I longed for a divorce but I feared being mocked at.

The first wife detested me and would insult me when she deemed fit.

I decided to become pregnant in a bid to be less lonely, but things did not improve. She accused me of bearing an illegitimate child, since she did not agree to our marriage. I slipped into depression while I was pregnant.

I was forced to seek treatment at a mental hospital. In my most helpless moments, I would be lying down on the hospital bed with my hands tied to both sides of the bed while I thought about the meaning of life.

I cried very hard from the disappointment over the way I handled this challenging period of my life. But I finally realised that life is too short and meaningful to be influenced by depression. I realised that I was blessed in many ways and God had merely tested me with a minor setback and I nearly failed because I was unable to share my husband's affection.

I began to pay attention to my responsibilities as a wife and mother, while striving to improve relations with my parents. I also attempted to rebuild my career which was left in shreds due to my unstable emotions. Ten years have passed and I am currently leading a fulfilling life with my husband and three children. My family has also forgiven and accepted my decisions.

The first wife is still hostile towards me, but she rarely bothers me these days. Perhaps she grew tired of being ignored by me.

My family now leads a normal and peaceful lifestyle. I have stopped feeling lonely whenever my husband stays the night at his first wife's place. After all, he would only be gone for a day. 

It is sad to see how most polygamous marriages are troubled because the husband is unable to carry out his duties fairly. But perhaps the wife is a contributing factor too when she allows her emotions to cloud her judgement.

I do not even feel embarrassed by my status as a second wife anymore as I do not see a problem with sharing affection. But I still keep my status a secret as I am aware that society is unable to accept and welcome people like me.

For full details, get your March copy of Sutra at all major newsstands now.

readers' comments
Here's a latest article on how a man handles his 2 wives. That's the reality he has to face.

http://www.divaasia.com/article/2575

See how their initial meet-up has a common pattern This time, it is he who wants to be in touch with the woman "to learn more about her marital problems" which is clearly b**s*** excuse to know the woman better. There, they go out for lunches and movies and then he develops feelings for her. My question is why is a married man of 3 kids and a wonderful wife going out on lunch and movie dates with another woman?

They say just put 2 strangers in the same room together for a long time - both will sure fall in love one because of the time factor. The time will "masak their hearts" one.

It also depends .....
Posted by antixiaxue on Wed, 11 Mar 2009 at 16:12 PM
these things happen in my family alot, just that the 2nd wife doesn't get married to the guy at all. and 3rd and 4th wives also involved. and we're not muslim. just dun think about it, do it if u feel that is what you want. it is pointless to go about blaming the men. i also have a distant relative who has been staying in the basement of the family mansion ever since some guy dumped her more than 30 years ago. she doesn't ever leave the basement. think on the bright side, u recovered and left the mental institute. live ur life the way u want it. if it is different from everybody else's, it's because u like it. all the best to you.
Posted by nemesis512 on Wed, 11 Mar 2009 at 12:23 PM
Both the first and second wives were victims. The guy was simply an irresponsible man with his right leg on one boat and left leg in another.
Posted by Simplician on Wed, 11 Mar 2009 at 12:20 PM
U know what the saddest thing about this article is?
This 3rd party express neither an ounce of guilt nor a shred of remorse for her actions and instead made herself out to be the long-suffering party! How ironic for the truely aggrieved one.
Posted by RuZeDUDz on Wed, 11 Mar 2009 at 09:57 AM
"This Story Is Just A Load Of Bull. Crap. Probably Made Up."

I'm afraid this story is real. Stuff like these are very common. It's just that not many 2nd wives are willing to come forward to talk about it.

Many affairs start when the married man and single woman becomes comfortable in each other's company and he starts to confess marital problems to her, who is willing to listen AND offer sympathy. If they spend much time together doing single dates even in a public setting, it's just a recipe for a disaster in the making. One thing leads to another. And by the time it happens, it's too late.

So, I do agree with justbrowsing above that a (smart) woman must never listen or trust a married man who tells her about his marital problems.

This .....
Posted by antixiaxue on Tue, 10 Mar 2009 at 22:26 PM
When one chooses a path like this willingly knowing full well the implications and dynamics of the issue, one cannot expect to be liked or welcomed by the other woman or family. How can we have our cake and eat it too, especially when the piece of cake was initially someone else's? (No apologies for calling the man a cake, heh.) That said, she made the choice....so all the best to her in sticking with it.She just has to accept the realities and not expect too much because afterall, you are number 2 and number 1 always comes first. I do not believe "fairness" exists when you are dealing with two women sharing a husband.
Posted by Cyberdeeva on Tue, 10 Mar 2009 at 16:09 PM
A gentleman and responsible husband will not insult or belittle his wife's 'deficiencies' to any woman, not even to his mother. With sincerity, he can always find 1001 ways to improve his relationship with his wife. Initially, the 2nd wife also felt the unwillingness to accept the situation of sharing someone else's husband, so it's proper for the 1st wife to feel more envious and resentful over the betrayal and unappreciated by her husband. Am wondering, other than children, why is her husband still keeping the first marriage if his 1st wife is so 'lacking'.

The 2nd wife should consider herself lucky that the 1st wife did not sabotage her by arranging or pestering her husband to take up 3rd wife and so on (if applicable) secretly. Some women did this to take sweet revenge aka taste your own medicine to the 2nd wife.
Posted by chantek68 on Tue, 10 Mar 2009 at 16:09 PM


Mountain tortoise suit you better. In this era, every woman has the right to demand that her man stays loyal. It is women like you that make men like him. As a man and single too, I cannot accept your theory, certainly all the women out there too.:eek:

And don't jump into conclusion that I am a poor or ugly bachelor because you will be absolutely wrong.:cool:
Posted by justbrowsing on Tue, 10 Mar 2009 at 14:58 PM
Sometimes, we do not know what to follow - the feelings of the heart or the thinking of the brains. On one hand, our law tells us that bigamy is an offence, on the other hand, the heart has ruled over someone's head that it is alright to take a second wife or to be a mistress. Why not abolish the Bigamy Law to do away with Double Standards. By reading this pathetic story of this lady who seems to be drawn into a married man's life and to justify the lackadaisical love given by the 1st wife, is just like filming another tearjerked love story. This woman is a university graduate who makes herself looks so helpless to be someone's second wife and then bore him 3 children is really an example for all to emulate. Many men also do not mind to be the second, third or fourth .....
Posted by mountaingoat on Tue, 10 Mar 2009 at 11:15 AM
To the above third party.How will you feel if one day u are in the shoes of the wife whose husband has another woman ?! Needles poke you then u'll understand/appreciate the emotional pain.
Posted by cheersall888 on Tue, 10 Mar 2009 at 11:11 AM

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