updated 19 Aug 2010, 18:42
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Thu, Aug 19, 2010
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Married man in an affair now has STDs

Q: I AM in my mid-30s and married to M, a conservative Catholic. Four years ago, I got drunk at a party. M took me home and lost her virginity to me that night.

She cried and asked me to take responsibility for what I had done, or she would make me regret it my whole life. Faced with no choice, I married her.

Since then, M has helped me a few times financially. I hardly love her so it makes me feel that I owe her more.

We’ve never had a good sex life as I do not enjoy being intimate with her. Her strong body odour disgusts me.

Two years ago, M suffered from sexual dysfunction. We often quarrelled because she refused to see a doctor. We both agreed to end our marriage then, but our parents did not allow it.

Last year, M insisted on having a baby but tests showed that she is infertile. After spending thousands on in-vitro fertilisation (IVF), she is now six months’ pregnant.

I met my colleague, A, two years ago. She is single and seven years my junior. We both work in the sales department and she knows I’m married.

We’re in an intimate relationship and enjoy every moment together.

A is from a broken family and does not agree with my idea of divorcing M. She said my child will be the biggest victim.

She complains that I don’t understand how she feels.

Through A, I was infected with herpes and chlamydia. I am under medication and do not want to transmit anything to M. She is innocent and I owe her so much. But if I were to tell her, I know she will ask for a divorce. I have to wait until the baby is born as I don’t want M to suffer from pre- or post-natal depression.

Recently, I noticed some change in A. T, a new colleague, is aggressively pursuing her. A said she’s giving T a chance because I don’t fully belong to her and she’s not my priority. She said she feels guilty about being the third party in my family, and how others look at us.

I told her about the sexually transmitted diseases we have but she is more concerned about sales targets.

Should I tell M about my STD? Should I agree to a divorce? Should I give up my true love for A and continue living with M because of the child? Does A still truly love me?


A: YOU have never loved M. You felt threatened and were trapped into a marriage you were not ready for. Now both of you have to suffer the consequences.

Marrying out of fear and obligation is always the worst option. In your heart, you will always blame M for your misery and unhappiness. You feel justified about having an affair because you abhor the woman who shares your bed. You blame her body odour for your lack of passion and sexual intimacy.

Why do you think she suffers from sexual dysfunction? She must sense your disgust and repulsion each time you have sex.

And there will never be love and fulfilment in your marriage because you are emotionally void towards your wife.

So why did you agree to IVF and a baby? You were a coward who succumbed to lust and then fear. You took M’s virginity but didn’t have the guts to tell her you didn’t love her enough to marry her. You gave in but cheated on your wife and betrayed her trust.

You took her money when you needed help but feel weighed down by the responsibility of being her husband. You found every excuse to exonerate your weak, bad behaviour by shifting the blame to your wife.

Be a man and face up to responsibility and reality. You are afraid that A does not truly love you, especially now that there is another man in her life. In your heart, you know A has been sleeping around as your STD proves. But leaving M and losing A are not exactly what you have in mind.

Until you are assured that you have A, you will hesitate to tell M about your STD as you know she will seek a divorce. Pretending that you care about M and the baby, and worrying that she may suffer post-natal depression does not seem sincere. If you love A, stop faking concern for M.

Do the right thing and stop hiding behind pretence and denial. M deserves better than your lies and deceit.

Allow her the dignity of truth so that she has the chance to start again. And if you should choose to stay, then you must make your marriage work.

Seek medical help and counselling so that sex can be pleasurable for you and your wife. Do not allow the past to shadow your marriage or you will always blame your wife for your regrets and unhappiness.

readers' comments
hey guys, any use to keep judging him?!

u want to pick up the 1st stone and throw at him?!

face it, everyone makes mistakes.

the thing now is to move on with life - either with M or A or without M and A.

hiding from them forever is not the way to go for you.
Posted by thebusinesstimes on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 19:24 PM
Clap..clap on the answer to this guy who only knows how to live in his shell, think for himself and cook up excuses to cover himself.. Maybe dont even know the seriousness of STD. Unless this guy sincerely know what he wants otherwise no point wasting the effort commenting this article.. "a conservative Catholic" dont sound like one responsible fellowship.
Posted by DINOTAIL on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 18:37 PM
This is just like in a movie. Husband feels obligated to wife and become a hen-pecked husband. Go outside look for fun and get diseases. So stereo-type.......not sure whether this is real or reel.
Posted by boygeorge888 on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 18:03 PM
If M is really a conservative Catholic as you have mentioned, then no matter what, she should not have done "that" with you.
You are the one who is drunk, not her. Just my thought.
Posted by lovemelovemenot on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 15:29 PM
My point of view is that you are not ready to be a father nor a responsible husband. Basically been a man mean that he should be able to shoulder responsibility, have the courage to face tough situtation and be responsible for any consequences be it good or bad.

The marriage, STDs, affairs is not the root of your problems. You should look beyond that to know who you really are and what you want out of life. If you don't change your attitude towards life....similar stories will happen with the change of players.
Posted by kittzwishingwell on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 14:37 PM
Is this a true case study or just a make up story??

How cana company having such affair between new staff?? So easy to fall in love or just one night standt as meeting sale target is to have sex with customer? I have been meeting suppliers and I dont end up in bed.

If A realy sell product and sell her body for target then i really want to know which company...I can recommrend more guy to her. oh...STD...I believe smart guy must know how to control sex limit.

M is also another **** up story...just a party and night stand. Then marry because she cried? She able to move him to her home ...meant she is still awake not drunk!!

All is just responsibility and if you play the game ...lose or win still a .....
Posted by JusticeVin on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 12:48 PM
A confused n hopeless persona.
Posted by lanpawhy on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 12:15 PM
Never knew that STDs only affect men of forced marriages.
Posted by sure_win on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 10:47 AM
from a lengthy story, my only suggestion is having an affair is not a respectful action and will not be one, therefore solve your problem one by one. seek for doctor advice on your STD, talk to your wife nicely, most importantly love your wife and your child most...simply because they are the only one who will sit and cry on your funeral and probably they are the one who will pay you funeral next time
Posted by uglymonkey on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 10:46 AM
The worst will be getting M and the child to have STD as well. Hope you do not get into this catastophic stage. You may not love M, but least you can do is not to further harm her!
Posted by kooman01 on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 at 09:34 AM

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