updated 22 Apr 2012, 12:09
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Sun, Mar 18, 2012
The Star/Asia News Network
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Can't let go of the hurt


LATE last year, my husband found an old teenage crush on Facebook. My children and I saw her too and we all joked about it. But what happened after that was a form of betrayal that was very hurtful.

My husband actually got in touch with her and they starting communicating via phone calls and SMS-es. This went on for over two months without my knowledge.

I then found, unintentionally, an SMS message (with terms of endearment) on his handphone. That led to fights, tears and heartache on my part. The SMS-es continued every day, even when he was at home with me and the kids. I was baffled as I've always trusted my husband.

He maintained that he was just catching up with his "good friend", whom he had not spoken to since they were teenagers. I was not convinced and even confronted the other party on the phone. She also reassured me that they had only spoken to and messaged each other and had not met.

Because I was so unhappy about the whole episode, they then stopped all forms of communication. After many fights and long talks, my husband and I both agreed that we were taking each other for granted and communication was breaking down between us.

He has since changed his job and his exercise schedule so that we can go to church together, and spend quality time with the children, together. He calls or texts me every day and even drove 35km to my office to send me a bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day.

I appreciate his efforts to regain my trust and "woo" me all over again, but sometimes I will think about the whole episode and break down again.

This cycle is very trying for my husband and our daughter, who is in secondary school. She was in the middle of all the fights and is very affected by the whole thing. I wonder if the pain will ever go away as it is also hurting my family.

Betrayed Spouse

ALTHOUGH your husband has been in contact with this friend and they have been using terms of endearment for each other, you have no evidence that he has cheated on you.

He has told you as much, and so has the friend. You have interpreted his doing this in secret - while he has been at home with you and your family - as a betrayal of your trust in him.

From the information you have provided, he seems to be earnest in gaining your trust again. He has stopped being in touch with this friend. He has even changed aspects of his life.

He is paying attention to you and your family. And, he has thrown some romance in as well. To someone from the outside, it looks like he is sincere in his efforts.

Do you now have reason to doubt his intentions? If not, all that can be said here is that you probably need time to let go of the memories of his past actions.

You probably will not forget them, but that does not mean you have to let them haunt you.

Over time, the meaning of past events will change and you will be able to look back upon that differently. In the meantime, you would have to learn to trust him again and focus on what he is doing now and where your relationship is going.

Try and provide reassurance to your daughter and remind her that you both love her and you want the best for her.


Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. E-mail [email protected]. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

readers' comments

Yes you got what I meant. I mean 'keep the spark' alive but most of the time is men who can't.
Posted by mystrawberry on Tue, 20 Mar 2012 at 12:51 PM
Chicken and egg issue again .... :p

The little sparks such as "little flirtatious" is always the main cause of wild fire that broke loose.... the lady or man returns with another "little flirtatious"... little + little + little + ... and end up "enormous flirtatious" until 1 dripping wet and 1 standing stiff ... and both end up in-out-in-out in MW posture on bed.... :D :D :D

Married man/woman must refrain from being flirtatous and leave the singles to those still singles plzzzzz.... :(

Posted by Small Fly on Tue, 20 Mar 2012 at 12:43 PM

Just know your limits if one is married. Dont cross the line.
A little flirtatous is ok, but must not go overboard.
Posted by hfourhappy on Tue, 20 Mar 2012 at 08:55 AM

I think she means that even if you're single or married, you can still remain faithful to this partner and still be adventurous.
Posted by onevoice on Tue, 20 Mar 2012 at 08:53 AM

Dont aim for married guy.
Posted by hfourhappy on Tue, 20 Mar 2012 at 08:44 AM

@ Uncle Smickno,

This is the 2nd time you kana from small fly. How come like that???:eek:
Posted by goondoon on Tue, 20 Mar 2012 at 08:42 AM
You cannot let go of the hurt because you really loved and trusted him. There is no need for you to let go at this point time time. At least not until he shows that his love for you is real and he is willing to sacrifice his "other passions" to love you and more importantly make you feel loved. Otherwise, he is only wayanging to aviod a costly divorce with you and will continue to find ways to explore his "other passions"...
Posted by kooldog59 on Tue, 20 Mar 2012 at 00:49 AM
Alamak ... want to qoute history, must read history books lah ... not watch animate, read comics or storybooks lah .... :D

Historically, those Mongolian army were drown in the seas when their vessels sank on the way to Japan.... otherwise, Japan history will be rewritten.... and Nanjing slaughter might not even happen.... :p

No wonder those Japanese changed history and factual accounts of WWII ... there really are such people who any how make-up and create history.... :D :D
Posted by Small Fly on Mon, 19 Mar 2012 at 23:48 PM

In case you do not know this, Genghis' son, Kublai, sent 2 envoys to Japan, demanding that Japan submits itself to be a vassal state. Both of them were beheaded.

To teach the Japanese a lesson, Kublai sent one of the world's biggest naval force consisting of 100,000 Mongolian fighters to Japan. They were defeated by the samurai.

Do not be too proud of your mongolian ancestors right. :rolleyes:

An Old Chinahand.
Posted by smickno on Mon, 19 Mar 2012 at 19:08 PM
Call me cheap .... so rude ... no manners ... :mad: :D

I no fish, prawn oso boleh type ... :p

Posted by Small Fly on Mon, 19 Mar 2012 at 18:19 PM

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