updated 5 Apr 2012, 18:02
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Tue, Apr 03, 2012
The Star/Asia News Network
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He wants break up after sleeping with me

I'm not shy, but I'm not confident about being in a relationship. Maybe because of my profession - I've seen too many married guys coming in with HIV or STD, after cheating on their wives.

Last year I met a distant cousin whose work often takes him overseas. We started with online chats and I treated him as a friend.

Slowly I began to trust him after he told me about himself, including his urology problem.

He said he had never slept with a woman because of his problem.

I fell in love with him and wanted to help him and make him happy. I told him I'm okay if we cannot have any children in the future.

We became a couple six months later, but he didn't want to announce our relationship to his family. I understand, I told him; maybe some guys need time to be ready.

But he wanted to have sex with me. I told him if he wanted that, we had to let our family know we were together. But he said no because "pantang".

After that he sent me "naughty" messages every day. I thought he was just joking ... until one night when we slept together and did it.

Soon after that, I was supposed to visit him. But he said he had to accompany his mother to another place. I asked him if he was avoiding me and we had an argument.

I never asked anything of him, just that we spend some days together every month. I understand he has to travel a lot and I've always given him the trust and freedom.

Three weeks after we slept together, he told me he was a bit "confused" about our relationship.

I've always tried to please him and worked hard to maintain our relationship.

Now he wants to break up. Did he just want sex from me?

He has not come to see me since. I'm totally lost. This is the first time I've trusted a guy.

Guys will be guys

Your anxieties are understandable. When you said you understand him, did you ask him what he was thinking or feeling?

Or did you assume that he needed time before informing his parents about your relationship.

When he said he had to take his mother somewhere and could not see you, what made you think he was avoiding you?

When you're in a relationship - and this applies to all kinds of relationships - it is very important to not assume.

When in doubt about someone's motives, you should ask. If the information is not forthcoming, you will have to think about the kind of relationship you want.

Do you really think he made you trust him, or did you chose to trust him based on the information you were sharing?

You seem to place all responsibility on him and do not realise that you had power and autonomy over your thoughts and actions.

Did you want to have sex? Or did you have sex to please him, or as a way to secure him in your relationship?

Sexual desire is normal in men and women. Do not feel bad about what you did.

But it's important that you have sexual relations with someone only if you want to, and are comfortable with it.

You should not feel forced into making that decision, nor should you do it to "show your love".

Before you talk to him about all that has happened, figure out what you want first.

As much as it is important to allow the other person space for his own life, you should be able to say exactly what you want.

You should not lose yourself in a relationship. You must feel respected, and be able to respect the other person.

If you do want to continue with this relationship, think about how you are going to inject these factors into it.

You should be able to agree to accommodate both parties' needs. But to reach a compromise, constant communication is necessary.

Ask the other person when you are in doubt. Similarly, be open and honest about your feelings, wants and desires.

You've had one bad experience. But not all men are like this. Give yourself time. As you meet different people, you will see that everyone is different and you can decide who you want to be with.

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