Recently, I caught up with J, who has returned from abroad but will be going overseas again soon. J shared with me a bad experience which he went through not long ago.

He said he has been very unhappy ever since he broke up with his girlfriend, after a seven-year relationship with her.

After dating for nearly a year, J invited the girl to move in with him and things were good between them until their final year together. Her personality suddenly changed and she became very hostile towards him.

When J could not put up with that anymore, they broke up, amicably. He helped her to move out, carrying each box for her, and even gave her couple of thousands, as requested by her, as down payment to buy a new place.

Everything seemed fine and J was looking forward to starting a new life until he received a letter from a lawyer. His ex-girlfriend was seeking financial support from him. Apparently, she had the right to do so, under the common law relationship in that foreign country.

J was dumbfounded and felt his world crushing down around him because she had promised repeatedly throughout their relationship, and even just before leaving, that she would never do that to him, or anyone else. She also claimed that she never did that in her two previous failed marriages.

J has stopped any kind of communication with his ex ever since receiving the letter from the lawyer. However, he had no choice but to hand over a huge amount of money to her.

Looking back, he realised that she had been "acting" throughout their years together as he can recall several instances of her seeking opportunities to extort financial support from him. For example, suggesting that they buy property under both their names despite her being financially unstable.

Ever since this incident, J has been depressed and is close to having a nervous breakdown. He cannot believe that all these years he had been blind-sided and cheated, and that the whole relationship with his ex was nothing but a "wonderful staging".

He cannot accept that she dropped that final "bomb" and feels like a fool now, knowing that he was basically paying for her failures from her previous relationships.

It has been one-and-a-half years since and J is presently in a slow recovery state. He still hasn't completely recovered from this incident and I am very concerned about him.

What can I do to help my good friend?

Concerned friend

Your friend has been too nice and this niceness has been taken advantage of. One can understand him helping his ex-girlfriend move, but to give her money to get a new place? What was he thinking of?

This ex-girlfriend already has two failed marriages. While we do not know the circumstances of the rest of her life, what is becoming obvious here is that she may have developed a pattern in her relationships with men.

For whatever reason (and no one can judge her because we do not know the facts about her life), it may just be a matter of survival. It's not very nice, though, and neither is it acceptable.

It looks like she may have entered into a relationship with your friend because he is so kind and obliging. It sounds horrible, but she seems to have "targeted" him. She seems to have manipulated the situation to her advantage, even changing her behaviour at the end to force your friend's hand in ending the relationship instead of ending it herself.

Then, she tries to get more even after the relationship has ended. And, your friend obliges.

As your friend sounds like a genuinely nice guy, it is not surprising that he did not see this happening. He may have thought that he was doing only what was expected of a loving partner. No one should blame him for that.

However, he has a choice now. He can fight back, if he so chooses.

He can consult with lawyers himself to see if there is anything he can do to fight his ex-girlfriend's suit. It is going to cost a bit, but it may save him a lot more money in the long run if they can find a way whereby he does not have to pay her anything.

What is more important is that he finds a way to balance being a nice person, and being just a little bit discerning in his choice of friends. But not everyone is like his ex-girlfriend.

He will need time to get over the hurt of losing someone he had cared for, as well as the thought of having been made use of. Surrounding himself with supportive loved ones and friends may help him find the place to heal.

Or, even doing some volunteer work, via which he may find that his kindness will have some effect on people's lives. This will also help him feel that his efforts are appreciated.

It is also strongly encouraged for him to continue meeting and seeing new people. But he does not have to commit to a serious relationship until he feels ready. Nor do his meetings with new people need to be strictly romantic.

Your friend can involve himself in a number of different activities through which he will be able to meet and interact with different kinds of people. The more people he sees, the better it will be for him.