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Sun, Jan 10, 2010
The New Paper
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They're not just looking for sex
by Maureen Koh and Tan Kee Yun

DO the rising number of clubs catering to women - at least 11 which have opened in under a year - necessarily mean that women are becoming bolder or wilder?

No. It could be a sign of emotional angst.

Loneliness, said psychologist Richard Lim, is often a silent killer of marriages.

'Often, it hits women more than men,' said Dr Lim, who has been practising relationship counselling for more than 10years.

'And illicit affairs can sometimes fulfil a woman's need to be desired.'

Women who only visit such clubs may not even feel that they have broken their marriage vows.

Dr Lim explained: 'For them, they think it's harmless flirting, nothing more. And they feel that as long as sex is not involved, there's no real sense of being unfaithful.'

But it appears that sex is sometimes involved. And that, of course, may lead to complications and difficulties.

Seeking comfort

Ms Chang H M, 49, principal therapist at Care Corner Counselling Centre, told The New Paper on Sunday: 'Most of these women head to such clubs to seek comfort in their lives.

'For many years, they could not feel the love from their husbands, so from their point of view, it could very well be a scenario like this: 'Since my husband is out all the time working and making money, with no time for me at all, I'll go out, enjoy myself and spend his money'.'

She added: 'Every woman needs love. And for those few hours they are in the club, the young, handsome men working there are able to shower them with love that their husbands aren't able to.'

Sexual pleasure for women is usually closely linked to emotion, said Ms Chang.

'We cannot deny that some ladies do want to indulge in the enjoyment of sex with those young boys, but it's likely that most just want to feel loved, and are not looking for merely the physical act itself,' she added.

But Ms Chang said one should not judge and criticise the women's actions. Instead, there is a need to find out what lies at the core of their need for attention.

Ms Lim Puay Leng, 32, a senior social worker with Fei Yue Community Services, agreed.

She said: 'In many cases, the main reason for a woman seeking 'alternatives' to her marriage is that her husband is unable to meet her emotional needs.

'Some become very depressed because they are unable to get their husband's attention, and they can't share their misery with anyone else.'

Ms Lim felt that in any breakdown of a relationship in which one party has strayed, it was important to hear both parties' voices.

She explained: 'It's never one side who is totally wrong.'

Ms Lim said that in recent years, though the number of men involved in extra-marital affairs still ranks significantly higher than the number of women who do so, she has witnessed 'an increase in men who call counsellors suspecting their wives (are) straying'.

This article was first published in The New Paper .

readers' comments
'Since my husband is out all the time working and making money, with no time for me at all, I'll go out, enjoy myself and spend his money'.' <-- What a catch.
Posted by casualencounters on Tue, 19 May 2009 at 13:16 PM

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