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Thu, Jun 17, 2010
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“I tried to commit suicide twice after my abortion”
by Zarelda Marie Goh

There’s this dream where I’m sliding down a deep hole and I see orange and red flames around me. I feel like I’m being swallowed alive and I want to scream for help but there’s no one around. I never reach the bottom. I had this dream as I lay on an operating table, undergoing an abortion.

Two years have passed since then yet it still haunts me.

My boyfriend, John* and I had had unprotected sex and I nearly fainted from fear when I found out I was pregnant.

I had always loved children and planned to have two of my own when the time was right but John and I weren’t financially or emotionally ready for a child. We had been together for just a year and a half. I was only 23 and focused on doing well in my job in the financial industry. He was in his early 30s and had a stable career in the civil service but had only recently settled a costly divorce.
At the same time, I didn’t want to kill an unborn child; the thought made me cry. I talked things out with John but he felt similarly torn inside. He was worried that our relationship would be strained if we had a shotgun wedding, but he promised to marry me if I insisted on keeping the baby.

He left the decision in my hands. In my haste to resolve things, I let my logical side rule and within a week, I had undergone the abortion.

After the procedure, I thought it’d be easy to pick up my life where I’d left off. As an optimist, I had always taken past setbacks in my stride. I was dead wrong.
Almost immediately, I turned from a social butterfly into a recluse. I would lock myself in my bedroom, draw the curtains and cry myself to sleep. I often had nightmares because I felt guilty about what I did. No one understood my turmoil.

My friends had never been in a similar situation and couldn’t empathise. I gradually detached myself from them because I hated seeing them happy when I was sad. My parents had supported me in my decision to abort the baby but I hid my tears from them. I didn’t want them to see that I couldn’t deal with the consequences of my own actions.
But I needed to release my anger and sadness, and John became my “punching bag”. He bore the brunt of my mood swings. I’d often lash out at him for letting me have the abortion. He tried cheering me up by lavishing me with gifts of clothes, bags and shoes but it didn’t help. Over time, our relationship suffered.

I didn’t want to meet clients at work so I eventually resigned and lived off my savings. I’d while away the hours at home watching TV and surfing the Net. My parents were busy working and weren’t aware that I was at home.

I started smoking heavily and began to abuse the painkillers prescribed by my gynaecologist by taking them with alcohol. My daily routine included driving to a nearby park, drinking to my heart’s content, then getting home in time to collapse on my bed.


>> Considering death


  • Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1800-2214444
  • Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-2837019
  • Sage Counselling Centre: 1800-5555555
  • Care Corner Mandarin Counselling: 1800-3535800

readers' comments
Absolutely right.

You dont right a wrong with a bigger wrong.

I am glad your fren's daugther did the right thing to have her baby.

Posted by bettersingapore on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 22:44 PM

Fully agree.

One Malay fren’s daughter got pregnant in her teens … the bf was in jail and denied the baby was his.

Anyway, it was a good thing she did not abort … the little girl has now grown 1.5 yrs, so lively, chubby & cute … and everyone in the family dotes on her.

Am not trying to condone sex before marriage or early motherhood. But, just imagine … if aborted, a precious & innocent life wld hv been lost. It wld hv been another big mistake after the first.
Posted by harlym on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 22:25 PM
What is done is done.

The way ahead is

a. acknowledge you have taken a life and ask for forgiveness. Whatever God you believe in.... go find solace. Jesus told the woman at the well....go and sin no more.

b. learn that sex is best kept within the bounds of marriage and children should be welcomed into this world in a family of love.

c. abortion is NEVER to be taken as a form of birth control

I pray you will find peace to move on.

Posted by bettersingapore on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 11:23 AM
In the first place, you don't have a very good reason to abort your baby, although you've said you and your bf are not financially stable. This is just bullshit.

If you're responsible enough, you'd have find ways to make it affordable, esp when John has said he'd marry you if you insisted on keeping the baby. After all, this is an innocent life.

And sometimes, the baby will actually bring 'fortune' luck to the parents when he/she is born.

You've aborted the baby, so you owed him/her a life, that's why it is haunting you until now.
Posted by Dracula on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 08:45 AM
I am also very concern that you are drinking and driving yourself home and passing out ! This goes to show that you are drinking excessively and getting behind the wheels is not a very good idea ! In your intoxicated state and trouble mind you are not capable of being in control of your vehicle. That is hazardous not only to yourself but other unsuspecting road users ! So please seek help ASAP !
Posted by heavenlyangel on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 04:19 AM
You need to see a counsellor, as soon as possible. You are gradually destroying yourself, from all the guilt. Stop punishing yourself, you only did what you thought was best at the time.
Posted by heavenlyangel on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 04:04 AM

Your words in red refer. This is the not the case in Singapore. Before abortion, women are counselled and even shown a video telling them of the consequences, presumably in the hope that they would change their mind.
Posted by smickno on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 01:51 AM
In atheist China, female babies are deliberately drowned so that women can try again for a boy. Millions of baby girls died this way and this drowning of baby girls is especially prevalent among the peasants who form the majority of the population.

As a result of it being commonly accepted, there is no remorse on the part of the parents, including in particular the mother. Therefore, how a woman feels about the aborted foetus really has to do with what kind of values she's been brought up with and what she's been taught about what a foetus really is.

Religion will play a part as are our biology textbooks and of course, wives' tales. A woman who believes she has killed her unborn child will feel remorse (and guilt) while one who has been taught that it's only a lump of whatever you .....
Posted by smickno on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 01:41 AM
From another website...



The Vendidad is the "Book of Laws" for the Zoroastrian Faith. Here is what it says about abortion:
"9. If a man come near unto a damsel, either dependent on the chief of the family or not dependent, either delivered [married] or not delivered, and she conceives by him, let her not, being ashamed [of her adultery or fornication] of the people, produce in herself the menses, against the course of nature, by means of water and plants.
10. And if the damsel, being ashamed of the people, shall produce in herself the menses against the course of nature, by means of water or plants, it is a fresh sin as heavy [as her adultery].
11. If a man come near unto a damsel, either dependent on the chief of the family .....
Posted by bettersingapore on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 01:14 AM
I lifted this from another website.
Some Muslim scholars please comment on accuracy.


Islam and abortion
All human life is sacred in Islam

From conception through to natural death only Allah (God), the Creator of all, can create life or ordain that it be taken away. The moment of death has been fixed in advance by God Almighty.

Abortion is forbidden in Islam.

There is not a single statement in the Holy Book Al Qur'an or in the sayings (ahadith/sunnah) of the final Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), which allows abortion!

On the contrary, there are verses in the Holy Book Al Qur'an which are clearly against the killing of any unborn child or child, male or female, by any means, for any reason and at any stage .....
Posted by bettersingapore on Tue, 27 Jul 2010 at 01:07 AM

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