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Thu, Jun 17, 2010
Her World
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Boyfriend broke up with her after she tried to commit suicide
by Zarelda Marie Goh

It got so bad I contemplated ending my life about a month later. One night, when I was alone in John’s bedroom, I climbed out through a window and stood on its ledge five storeys up. With tears streaming down my face, I looked down, steeling myself to jump.

I had to end the pain. I hated myself for killing my baby and  knowing nothing I did would ever bring it back to life.

But my legs remained rooted to the ground. What if I didn’t die and ended up paralysed instead? I was jolted out of my thoughts when John and his mum shouted at me to get back into the house. After some resistance, I relented.

It must have been the last straw for John – he broke up with me right there and then, saying: “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I pleaded with him, but he refused to look at me and asked my sister to take me home. I felt betrayed that he left me during the darkest period of my life.

After this, I went for counselling at my church for about a month. Venting my feelings helped, but the relief was temporary and I stopped going. I wasn’t ready to let go of my emotional pain.

My life had no meaning after that. The smoking and the drinking got worse; I got a new job soon after in sales but I could barely concentrate. I also developed cramps after the abortion and consulted two doctors. Both said the pain was probably psychological and I was given Xanax (a drug usually used to treat anxiety) as a muscle relaxant.
Worst of all, I still looked to John  for emotional support. I yearned for us to get back together and would ask him to meet me. He’d agree sometimes as he felt responsible for my messed-up state. But when we hung out, he’d be cold. He wouldn’t hold my hand and treated me like a platonic friend. There were times he admitted that he still loved me but said he didn’t see a future for us because we were always fighting and I was unstable and terribly clingy.
When he was too busy to see me, I’d assume he was avoiding me and would send him a continuous stream of text messages to get his attention. Call me stupid; I knew I wanted to be with him no matter what but the irony was that my behaviour was pushing him away. I was behaving like a psychotic ex-girlfriend. But I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t in control of my emotions.

I never gave up on the idea of killing myself. I’d spend hours thinking about how to die painlessly.
Four months after the first suicide attempt, I tried ending my life again. It was after a bad quarrel with John. I sat in my car and started popping the pills in between gulps of alcohol.

I can’t remember how many I took but it was enough to make me lapse into a haze. In my semi-conscious state, I called a good friend and told him I was at the carpark next to John’s flat. I was too “high” to remember making the call. I just remember drinking and thinking I wanted to die so badly. But when I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital bed. My friend had called for an  ambulance.

I was under observation for two days and felt so weak I could barely eat. I was disappointed to still be alive – it meant I had to continue to trudge through all the c**p I was going through.
My parents and older sister started showing me more concern. Before this, they hadn’t known why I spent so much time in my bedroom. They also encouraged me to exercise and eat more healthily to regain my health.

Over the next few months, I started thinking about my past, before the abortion derailed my life. I used to be an adventure seeker. I used to do sports. I used to love life. I wanted my old life back. I wanted my old self back.
I started to shop online. I especially liked buying dresses and spent about $100 a month. Doing that gave me something to look forward to when I got home. The packages made going home a happier experience.
But my real source of motivation was a friend’s bucket list, a list of things he wanted to accomplish before he died. I happened to read it on his Facebook page at the end of 2008 and it hit me that I had wasted a good year of my life wallowing in self-pity.
I also noticed that my friends were leading interesting lives. One friend went to Antarctica for an expedition while some others were teaching English in Thailand. I felt envious! The world was moving on and I was still stuck.
So I penned my own bucket list and started tackling one goal at a time. In the last year and a half, I’m proud to say I’ve started diving and running again. I even completed a 10km run last year. I’m brushing up on German, a language I learnt at university. I’m finding joy again in doing the things I’ve always loved to do.

I’m also working on being a better daughter, friend and sister. This year, I’m planning to travel more and learn horse riding.

<<I tried to commit suicide twice  |  >> Spent $8,000 on medical and hospital bills


  • Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1800-2214444
  • Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-2837019
  • Sage Counselling Centre: 1800-5555555
  • Care Corner Mandarin Counselling: 1800-3535800

readers' comments
Bless you! I always tell my teenage daughter never, never do something foolish like killing herself over a failed relationship. Why? If the guy doesn't love her or want to end the relationship, he's not going to be threatened or feel guilty over her death. The only person or persons who will mourn her death are her parents, loved ones and friends, hence, it is pointless to die for someone who is not worthy of her love. One day, she will meet the right person who will make her truly happy.
Posted by malinablu on Fri, 18 Jun 2010 at 02:16 AM

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