The words of the pop song 'I am woman, hear me roar' have taken on a new meaning. Women are roaring, all right - while on the prowl for younger men.
At least that is what those pushing the cougar trend would have you believe. The term was coined in the United States to describe women aged around 40 and above who prefer to date 20-something men.
Old men can date hotties and be called sugar daddies. But mature women who lean towards lads have been tagged with the predatory title of 'cougars'.
This animal kingdom lexicon includes newer offshoots such as jaguars (more elderly females) and pumas (women in their mid-20s to mid-30s), who all prefer younger men.
Never mind, these female pink panthers have quite a role model: actress Demi Moore, 46, who hooked up six years ago with Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years her junior.
The older women-younger guy pairing has long been the subject of fascination in pop culture in Chinese and Western societies (see other story).
Cougars have been in the spotlight recently because of American TV reality dating show The Cougar, featuring blonde 40-year-old Stacey Anderson, who is a mother of four, and a bevy of 20-something men vying for her affections.
The series is currently available on-demand on SingTel mio TV's Season Pass.
Upping the hip factor is that pop star Madonna is following in the pawprints of Moore. The mum-of-many and twice-divorced Material Girl, 50, has found Jesus (20-year- old model Jesus Luz, that is).
Moore's relationship has resulted in marriage and the reaction of many fans to Madonna's latest fling might be 'wow, cool'. But Urban found that, in Singapore, there is still a cougar taboo when it comes to the older woman- younger guy pairing.
Indeed, several high-profile women Urban contacted for this article, who are known to have younger partners, declined to be interviewed, saying the subject was 'too sensitive'.
Several men in their 20s with older partners were also uncomfortable about discussing their relationships.
SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE
Such sensitivity goes back a long way.
Public relations executive Susan (not her real name), 43, remembers how self-conscious her mother was about being seen in public with her six-years-younger husband.
'They got married in the 1950s and this kind of age gap was very unusual then,' she says of her parents. 'People would gossip and she got so sensitive that she preferred to stay in and keep to herself rather than be seen with him outside.'
Even today, Susan believes that a relationship between a 40-something woman and a 20-something man would still raise eyebrows in Singapore: 'That belongs in the world of Hollywood.'
Psychiatrists say it has always been more socially acceptable for older men to date younger women because men traditionally play the role of the provider.
Says Dr Adrian Wang, a consultant psychiatrist at Gleneagles Medical Centre: 'When the age is reversed, especially in an Asian society, people may have problems with the older woman being perceived as the one wearing the pants in the relationship.
'She may have more money and be more successful. Women are also more sensitive to issues of age, because society still tends to value youthfulness in a woman as an attractive quality.'
Increasingly though, even in a more conservative Asian society like Singapore, people are becoming used to such couplings.
Jean (not her real name), 37, who works in the entertainment industry, says that her friends and family were supportive when she started dating a man seven years younger than her.
'We are not oblivious to the age difference, we just don't think it's a big issue,' she says.
In fact, the age gap has become a source of affectionate teasing for the couple. 'He doesn't let me forget that I'm older. Like when I mention something that happened when I was in university, he will quip that he was only 13,' she says, laughing. 'He does that just to annoy me.'
There have, however, been hiccups along the way, like when it suddenly hit her that her boyfriend, who works in the publishing industry, is younger than her kid brother.
'I had to deal with that for a few days, but I got used to the idea,' she says. 'My biological clock is ticking, but not very loudly. We'll just see how it goes. Everyone around us is cool with it - as you get older, you realise that it's different strokes for different folks.'
The same goes for Sue (not her real name), 41, who recently married a man 10 years her junior after a courtship of 21/2 years. Both work in the IT industry.
'We are lucky,' she acknowledges. 'We do get strange looks sometimes but 10 years ago, this would have been more difficult. For the last few years, all I have gotten from my female friends have been reactions like, 'Cool, you are my inspiration', all very affirmative reactions.
'Ultimately, we are less concerned about what people think and more about how we will evolve together.'
It has not been all smooth-sailing, of course.
'Our parents all had reservations at the start, but they can see that we are very happy,' she says.
She also initiated a conversation about her looks - that is, whether her baby-faced husband would be able to accept that his wife might age a lot more as they get older.
'At 40, a woman can still look quite presentable and the age gap doesn't look that obvious,' she says.
'But women don't tend to age as well as men so I wanted to paint that scenario for him. I like his answer: He said that marriage is about the responsibility of looking after each other, and that was the most important thing.'
Her husband's take on the age gap may well inspire a collective 'aww' from women of all ages.
He recalls: 'Initially, she was quite insecure when we went out together. She would ask: 'Do you really want to be with me and hold hands in public?' But if you are really happy with each other, don't you want people to know?
'I find her a very sweet person who I can connect with and that's really hard to come by. Other things don't really matter.'
As for the physical aspect of the relationship, he says: 'The fact is that as we both get older, our needs may be different. She may not be so interested in me any more, but if the problem arises, we will try to deal with it as harmoniously as possible.
'We'll just have to be open and honest about these issues.'
The couple have also adopted an 'if it happens, it happens' attitude to having children.
They have also come to accept that with the age gap also comes an imbalance in things like life experiences.
'There have been moments when he has faltered a little and expressed some insecurity about the possibility that I may sometimes have to take more of a leadership role in our relationship. But it wasn't a deal breaker,' she says.
Ultimately, whether the woman is seen as an experienced cougar or a pliant kitty, any relationship comes with its own challenges.
As Sue puts it: 'It may seem like an attractive thing to hook a younger man, but it presents very real obstacles. You might have lived around the world and he may never have washed his own dishes.'
On the plus side, 'I definitely feel young again. He brings a fresh perspective and insight to things and this has opened up my mind'.
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Photographer: ASHLEIGH SIM; Stylist: JEROME AWASTHI; Styling assistant: JOSHUA SEOW; Hair: ASH LOI, Estique Salon, using Schwarzkopf Professional; Make-up: BENO LIM, using M.A.C Cosmetics; Models: PAULINA G, Mannequin, & MATHEUS N, Upfront
Special thanks to Scarlet Hotel for the use of the Passion Suite
COUGAR CHARMS
From yesterday's enigmatic siren to today's predatory cougar, here is a brief history of the older woman and her charms as seen in pop culture:
1959: Hong Kong novelist Jin Yong publishes martial arts epic The Return Of The Condor Heroes, introducing the world to ice maiden Xiao Long Nu (Little Dragon Girl), who falls in love with her disciple Yang Guo. She is a mere four years older than him but the teacher- student relationship makes this romance definitively taboo. In the 1983 Hong Kong TV adaptation, potential cougars shuddered at how Idy Chan aged into a wrinkled crone as Xiao Long Nu, while Andy Lau's Yang Guo remained youthful-looking even as he got older.
1967: The Graduate is released. Anne Bancroft stars as Mrs Robinson, a jaded older woman who initiates an affair with an angsty fresh graduate played by Dustin Hoffman. The enigmatic Mrs Robinson loves animal prints and the term "cougar" owes a lot to her stylish wardrobe of leopard print coats and tiger-striped dresses.
1971: Harold And Maude brings dark, deadpan humour and existentialist poignance to the unlikely romance between a morbid teenager (Bud Cort) and an eccentric septuagenarian (Ruth Gordon), both enthralled by the idea of death. A cult classic with an ardent underground following and famous fans like film-makers Bobby and Peter Farrelly and Wes Anderson.
1990: Susan Sarandon and James Spader burn up the big screen in White Palace, a movie in which she plays a 43-year-old waitress and he plays a 27-year-old advertising executive. They are drawn to each other despite their differences in age and class, and the film boasts sizzling sex scenes. In real life, Sarandon's partner, actor Tim Robinson, is 12 years younger than her.
1994: Taiwan star Lin Ching-hsia's role as a Greta Garbo-esque woman embroiled in a drug smuggling scam in Chungking Express was the silver screen swansong for the then-40-year-old. Nursing a drink in a blonde wig, sunglasses and a trenchcoat, she meets a young lovelorn cop (Takeshi Kaneshiro) who becomes besotted with her noirish melancholy.
ON THE PROWL
1996: Late Hong Kong icon Anita Mui played a thinly-veiled version of herself in the romantic comedy Who's The Woman, Who's The Man. Her character, a world-weary superstar who has been in the public spotlight since she was a child, falls for the youthful singer played by Anita Yuen in drag and confides that she yearns for a partner who is like an 'innocent little rabbit'. In real life, Mui's relationship with actor Chiu Mun Chiok (who is 10 years younger) in the 1990s was unkindly described by the tabloids as 'an old cow eating young grass'.
1999: Teen comedy American Pie introduces audiences to Jeanine Stifler (Jennifer Coolidge), the vavavoom mother of one of the teen characters who is lusted after by all his male friends.
2001: Indie flick Y Tu Mama Tambien puts Mexican cinema on the map by telling the story of two adolescent best friends (Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal), who meet a mysterious older woman, Luisa (Maribel Verdu), at a wedding. All three set off on a road trip together, where idle talk about past relationships and sexual escapades turns into an unforgettable menage a trois.
2003: Sex And The City's cougarific Samantha (Kim Cattrall) falls hard for a young aspiring actor (Jason Lewis), who turns out to be every older woman's fantasy of the perfect partner. He pushes for a monogamous relationship with the feisty Samantha and sticks by her when she is diagnosed with cancer. (Alas, the two break up in the 2008 movie after she realises she is happier as a swinging single.) In real life, Cattrall, 51, is dating a chef who is 23 years younger.
2003: American indie-pop band Fountains Of Wayne releases the single Stacey's Mom, which becomes a hit thanks to the music video starring model Rachel Hunter as the mother. The song is sung from the point of view of an adolescent boy who thinks his friend Stacey has a very attractive mother. Having bombshell Hunter dressed in skimpy swimsuits did not hurt either.
2004: Desperate Housewives debuts and one of the most talked-about plot lines involves lonely trophy wife Gabrielle (Eva Longoria Parker) and her affair with her lovesick teenage gardener.
2005: Demi Moore appears on comedy skit show Saturday Night Live to make fun of the public's fascination with her relationship with Ashton Kutcher, who is 16 years younger. Made up to look like she was 80, Moore wore prosthetic sagging jowls and a grey wig and used a walker as she made her way to the stage, all the while complaining that her support hose was killing her. The rest of the world starts to get why Kutcher digs this cool chick, who is 46.
2007: In a 30 Rock episode titled Cougars, 37-year-old comedy writer Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) eyes up the office sandwich boy, who is 20. Her office mentor Jack (Alec Baldwin) urges her on: 'A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory... To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman. Technically you're a catch. You got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.' Alas, it all ends in acute embarrassment when Liz finds out her boy toy's mother looks exactly like her.
2008: Drama series Lipstick Jungle, about three high-powered female friends, debuts in the United States. Married magazine editor Nico (Kim Raver) gets one of the juiciest storylines in this short-lived series when she starts a passionate affair with 20-something photographer Kirby (Robert Buckley). They become a couple after her husband dies, only to split up when he realises he is not ready to handle her yearning for a baby.
2009: Reality show The Cougar debuts in the US, featuring real estate agent Stacey Anderson, 40, and 20 hot-blooded men in their 20s trying to score a date with her.
2009: Cougar Town, a sitcom starring Courtney Cox, will start screening in the US later this year. Cox plays a newly single middle-aged mother returning to the dating pool. She once had her own cougarish storyline on Friends, when her late-20s character realises she is dating a teenager still in high school. Cox's husband, actor David Arquette, is seven years younger than the 44-year-old.
This article was first published in Urban, The Straits Times.
