I RECENTLY watched a TV commercial for fake grass.

The stuff's called Supernatural Grass and is made from 'unique materials and pigments, it's soft to touch, looks as realistic as natural grass and is suitable for most backyards and outdoor entertaining areas'.

The ad's tagline? 'Artificial grass that's so real, it's scary.'

Now methinks 'spot on' would have been a better finish to the tag.

Scary is when your faux fur coat makes Peta warriors come after you with a red paint can. Horrific is when fake boobs (think Pamela Anderson) threaten to burst out on you. And those furry caterpillar lash extensions those S-Factor contestants are sporting - call pest control, please.

I don't have issues with nip/tuck procedures or subtle add-ons. If a push-up bra gives your pulling power a boost, heck, why not?

But one needs to be conscious of error margins that can swing you into Fear Factor zone.

That requires a mental edit and the gumption to say, enough is enough.

Years ago when I was covering a story on medical tourism, I visited a Thai hospital that was known for its plastic surgery procedures.

In one of the hospital wings, there was a gallery that displayed the before and after results, a visual directory of each doctor's work.

Looking at some of the breast augmentation photos that would make even Miss Anderson envious, I whispered to my chaperone: 'Why would you let that doctor redo your puppies? His handiwork is so obviously fake.'

I was told however, the dramatic upsize usually has little to do with the surgeon's wishes.

So even if the client is cuckoo to want watermelons for breasts, the surgeon will accede to the request.
 
I also had a girlfriend whose washboard chest was a constant bugbear. I choked when she said she was going to get double D implants, 'the bigger the better'.

I told her a C-cup boost was more than generous for her built. Any bigger and she might as well wear a tee with the slogan 'False advertising' printed on it.

I believe that there's a wrong and right way to fake it. Like how porn stars do it (totally unconvincing) and how some women get it so right, their partners aren't even clued in.

In other words: You need to fake it for real and don't over-compensate.

The next time you're trying to pass as a natural beauty and not a caricature, keep these tips inmind:

1. Faux extensions are great if you are a little short on the lash line, but they shouldn't hide the beauty of your eyes.

If you can't exercise moderation, try volume-boosting mascara instead. Two or three coats, tops.

2. Breast implants don't have to be overly inflated to get attention. Too much can scare them away.

A vertically-challenged guy pal has a phobia of them, because he got taken out by fake boobs when a towering girl swung around to talk to him, and he fell in a bad way.

Upsize by a cup, two at most.

3. Artificial tans that football Wags wear with pride? Nobody should look that orange unless they are eating too many carrots.

Go a shade or two darker than your natural complexion. Aim for a healthy glow (a weekly exfoliation and a good moisturiser or skin oil can enhance your radiance).

Or if you're milky fair, take comfort that most women have to spend a bomb on whitening products to get there.

This article was first published in The New Paper