updated 13 Apr 2012, 06:53
user id password
Tue, Apr 03, 2012
The Star/Asia News Network
Email Print Decrease text size Increase text size
Husband cheated on me when I was pregnant

When I was pregnant with our first child, I found out my husband was in constant contact with his colleague late at night and whenever I was not around.

I confronted the woman and advised her to stop that. She gave me her word that she would.

I also spoke to my husband, who said there was nothing between them.

I told him that if anything were to happen, I would opt for divorce, no matter how difficult, as I cannot tolerate this form of betrayal.

During my confinement, I found out he had been cheating on me. He admitted to everything after I told him the woman had disclosed all that had happened.

Actually she did not reveal anything, except that she had tagged along on a company trip and spent time with him.

When my husband confessed that he had the affair in our house and abroad, my whole world crumbled. All he could say was that he was sorry and that he had ended the affair.

We were together for so many years before our marriage and loved and trusted each other. Now all this had to happen during this early stage of our marriage.

It took him many months to realise that what he did was wrong.

My husband has threatened that if I were to leave him, he would take his own life.

Each time I walk out on him, he says the same thing. I'm worried that one day, he might do something stupid.

Life with or without him does not really matter now as my child precedes everything. But I still care for him, after the many ups and downs we went through together.

He does contribute to the child and family. He tells me he has repented and loves me solely. It seems like he is working hard to regain my love and trust in him.

I'm living separately from him until a decision has been made. I am confused, hurt and disappointed.

I know the decision is mine to make, but I wish somebody could tell me if I should give him another chance for the sake of our family, or just move on.

He had promised to leave the company after he gets a job offer. I've waited almost a year and he's still there.

Is there any legal action I can take against this woman? She's in HR; can she issue a warning letter to her own sick self?

I've been crying for months now; the only thing that keeps me sane is my work and my child.

It just seems that my psychotic husband is making my life a mess and driving me insane. I know deep down, he loves me.

But can someone who loves you hurt you this bad as well?

Our family knows about this and has scolded him harshly. But they have advised us to work things out.

Newly married

Only you can make the decisions that will lead to your happiness. It looks like you have two options.

You can give your husband a second chance. As you say, he has admitted his folly and apologised and is working hard to regain your trust and love.

When people are really sorry for something they have done, they will truly make efforts to make amends.

The more important thing is that they will make changes, to themselves or a situation, to ensure the mistake does not happen again. You are the best person to judge if this is what he is doing.

Unfortunately, it is going to take a while before you can regain your trust in him. You have to realise and accept this as well. Then, you will have to work to regain the trust.

The onus is on him, though, to get you there and there has to be genuine effort towards this.

On your part, have realistic expectations of him and do not dismiss his efforts. Give him credit where it is due.

You also have to be clear about what you expect from him this time around. Set the boundaries for acceptable and unacceptable behaviours.

Be clear about each of your expectations of this marriage and whether these are being met.

If they are, this a strength you can develop further.

If there are unmet expectations, figure out together the reason for this and whether anything can be done to rectify that.

You may have to amend some expectations to better reflect reality.

As for love, over time you may start to feel for him what you did before. But do not expect to feel exactly the same. You have changed and so has he; so will your love for each other.

On the other hand, you may say you have reached your limit and want to end your relationship. His actions lead one to believe that he has disrespected you and your marriage.

Does he really want to end his life? Has he spoken about this before?

If not, his threats may be his way of manipulating you to do what he wants. If he has spoken about suicide or dying, take it seriously - he will need professional help.

Whatever decision you make, your child's interest is paramount. Do not ignore your happiness too.

Are you crying because of what your husband has done, or because you have lost something in this relationship?

Or, is it because your expectations of love, marriage, your spouse and yourself were not met?

It could be all of these and thinking about them can also help you make a decision.

Finally, why do you want to take action against the woman?

Is it not more important that your husband is repentant and making amends, or that you are able to put this behind you and move on towards a happy life?

You are angry, and no one can blame you. But vengeful action against her is not going to change your husband. Only he can do that.

Related stories:
"My husband arranged for his mistress' abortion in front of me"
His cheating heart
readers' comments

Copyright © 2012 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. Co. Regn. No. 198402868E. All rights reserved.