updated 9 Jan 2010, 19:37
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Sat, Jan 09, 2010
The Star/Asia News Network
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Too tired to make love

Q: I’M 48, married for 25 years and have two sons, aged 21 and 14. I had watched my parents fight over money and told myself never to let it ruin my marriage.

For 27 years, I’ve earned a good income, only to realise there is another factor to a happy marriage – intimacy.

I was pre-occupied with my career, which involved lots of travelling, and raising the kids. I was usually too tired to be intimate or make love. My husband could not bring himself to tell me how unhappy he was about this. It became his excuse for an affair.

For the past 10 years, he has used her to fill the void in his life. Reality struck when I found out that they had been meeting over lunch and at night all these years.

I was so hurt that I spent one night at a friend’s home to think things over. It was only when I walked out the door that he realised I existed and that he loved me.

I am very independent, strong at work and in business. Yet I was crumbled by the emotional betrayal by the only man I’ve ever loved since 15. I keep crashing after picking myself up.

He admitted he has screwed up and has asked for my forgiveness and another chance. Can I still love a man after 10 years of betrayal?

He’s trying very hard to win my heart back. He comes home earlier and spends more time with me. He hugs and kisses me now, something he had not done for so long, I could not remember how it felt.

But I can feel her between us. My heart is broken. He expects me to be strong, to forget the past and move on. Is he worth it?

Severely Broken-Hearted Wife

A: IT is always painful when you face betrayal of love and trust. No matter how strong and stoic your character, you are soft and vulnerable when hit with the truth you least expect.

However, you admit that you’ve been too busy to nourish your love and marriage. Working hard for financial security, you never realised that you were neglecting your man emotionally and physically. Driven by your past, you assumed that money could sustain love, peace and harmony in the family.

While your husband should have talked to you about his feelings earlier instead of seeking solace in the arms of another woman, do not expect that he shoulder the entire blame. Would he have the courage then to fault you, a successful wife, for being tired, cold and distant?

But he does obviously love you and is trying very hard to save the marriage. If you do not want to lose your family, you must now rally your inner strength and resilience for your marriage and kids.

You will not heal immediately as you’re still suffering the shock of pain and grief. You cannot bear to look at your husband without evoking horrible thoughts of him and the other woman.

But you cannot continue to torture yourself and your husband with your misery. You need to be determined to save your future.

Talk to your man. Let him know that you will not allow three people in your marriage. But you must not be totally hard and unforgiving. He needs to know that you love him and care enough to salvage the pieces. Give each other time and space to rebuild the relationship because things will never be the same again. You need to come to a different level of understanding and compromise because you will be haunted by the darkness of his betrayal for a long time.

Some marriages become stronger, more stable after the storm. Never allow bitterness and blame to shadow your lives. If your guy is doing the best he can to show his love, then you must swallow your pain and pride to reciprocate.

Plan a romantic holiday and switch off your cellphones. Shut out business and the other woman so that you can enjoy uninterrupted bliss and passion. Show him how much you both have been missing, emotionally and physically.

You deserve a better life after working so hard for so long. He deserves more of his wife after 25 years of being second best in your marriage. Give each other a chance for love now.

readers' comments
Is disheartening to know that nowaday some men are less committed regardless of age.. they can tell you "I just want to be happy" when look for younger lady and ask their loyal wife to "give way" to look for their own happiness too.. What a selfish man's stupid excuse.. they think their wife are just like them..
Posted by DINOTAIL on Sun, 13 Dec 2009 at 09:57 AM

Love is giving what other wants to others. Accompanied with the affections of giving, there is tangible benefits: help, money, and physical contacts. You cannot control others to love you but you can love others. For example, you love your kids who may not reciprocate every time. But you continue to give them benefits and affections. Same applies to your lover: you love her/him until he/she does not love you.
If he/she does not love you anymore, do you continue to give out love and benefits to her/him?
You love him/her, but he/she loves someone else yet also loves you, will you continue the relationship?
This is the part that married men and women are fighting about. Your husband or wife give away his/her body, time, money to a 3rd party. Are you going to give your love and benefits as .....
Posted by last_laugh on Sun, 13 Dec 2009 at 00:37 AM

I love the quote. It touched my heart. Now everybody goes "Aww..........."
Posted by Nobizuka on Fri, 11 Dec 2009 at 16:25 PM

Love is when you can smile from the bottom of your heart every morning knowing that the 1 person is still with you and be thankful that I am still breathing to return the love.. whether marry or not.. easy to say than do, but we have to try...
Posted by DINOTAIL on Fri, 11 Dec 2009 at 13:19 PM
I'm thinking he probably doesn't deserve a second chance. She's so much better than tt. Why settle for someone who has cheated on you for TEN YEARS. Besides, the kids should be all grown up by now.
Posted by smokeytambam on Fri, 11 Dec 2009 at 13:05 PM

Love - what's that ?
How many people marry because they are really in love ?
Why do people have to marry when they are in love ?
Who define love and how a person in love should behave ?
How long can love last - really forever ?
And can one love only one other person - cannot love more than 1 person or thing ?
Posted by Ssquirrel on Fri, 11 Dec 2009 at 12:35 PM
Then you'll see who will have the "last_laugh". Divorcing will only make the man happy to continue what they are doing now, if they love you they should not even made the first step into betrayal - Who don't have temptation! I agreed, love should be given a second chance, but with a totally sincere heart.
Posted by DINOTAIL on Fri, 11 Dec 2009 at 11:22 AM
The wife should free herself to seek new life, not stick with the cold blooded man who had cheated her for 3650 days with another woman. It was too long and he was a real pro in cheating. Think also fairly for his other woman, she too has fresh and blood to enjoy proper life. The kids have grown up. The wife can be free from insecure marriage by divorcing. She can live a single life or choose a new trusted partner. She should look for firm ground to stand on now. It is a golden opportunity for her to get away from her half dead marriage. It was built on a patch of quick sand. Living a real life with good self esteem can bring her happiness for the next 10-15 years, as she now has money and maturity. She should not dream about living on quick sand again .....
Posted by last_laugh on Thu, 10 Dec 2009 at 20:13 PM

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